Television. It's back! Ratings start today.

The gloves come off in television-land today with the official start of the ratings year. It’s game on mole! All the networks line up all their best programs and fight fiercely for an audience. There’s lots of money and pride at stake, and even though I should, I don’t really understand the business side of television. Even after 12 years. I’m just not good with numbers.

My favourite thing in the world

Everyone in television gets the ratings through first thing the following morning. How’s that for a quick report card. It’s like having a meeting with your boss every morning where he gives you a score for the previous day. Or an appointment with the doctor for test results - every day. The ratings can mean a great day, a shit day and everything in between. Twice I’ve been known to scream. Once I just had to jump up and down. Thank god they’ve never made me cry. That would be a sign that work/life balance is completely out of whack.

The good thing about the start of ratings is that it means all the best shows will be back on your television. It means we all need to get accustomed with the new schedules. I like to sit with the new TV guide for a while, caress it, get to know it intimately. I need to know it back to front so that I can organise my week. And this has nothing to do with work, I just need to know what nights and times I need to be home, and also so that I can lock in all my IQ programs. This is a beautiful, fulfilling experience whenever news schedules start up. It’s a spiritual experience for me.

Toddlers & Tiara's is brilliant!

I do dream of being a television programmer. Yes, there would be a completely dedicated Law & Order channel. That goes without saying. There would be a channel that just replayed all the major swimming championships back to back starting with the ’78 World Championships where Tracey Wickham dominated. And I would definitely have a channel of Toddlers & Tiara’s, that would be just brilliant. I would also have a channel that played all Madonna’s film clips in chronological order, and on rotation. I would also bring back Gretel Killen to host a channel like Oprah does in the US. I love Gretel and miss her terribly from my screen. She’s the smartest, funniest woman in television. No one else seems to like my ideas strangely, probably too niche.

I love you Gretel

I also think there should be a new reality program about television publicists. Mainly because it would have to be one of the weirdest jobs in the world. I’d want it to be a warts and all, fly-on-the-wall, documentary style program that showed the good, the bad, and the ugly. It would be hysterical! It would be an absolute ratings smash. But I don’t think the audience would believe it was real. The life of a publicist is completely different to the cliché. I wish it were all cocktail-sipping parties and glamorous photoshoots. In reality that’s about 1%. The rest of the time its United Nations diplomacy and Tony Robbins motivational speaking.

So enjoy the return of all your favourite programs and please try all the new stuff, especially if it’s Australian. This is to not only to keep me in a job but also because we are the best in the world at it. But I’m biased, you be the judge.

And if you want know what I want you to be watching follow my Twitter. That’s where I do all my spruiking.