Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I've got nothing today except the shits! Why?

I'm getting pretty organised with this blogging thing now and I've even been known to put some thought and planning into it. I was planning on an insightful, witty piece for today on the weird things about being single but yesterday left me very sad, tense and with the shits. Here are the reasons why...

I spent six and a half hours on the road in yesterday's weather which I think would make anyone anxious. All drivers were so tense you could feel it. It was an open road drive on a freeway and I guarantee you there was not one car speeding. You just felt on edge the whole time. It was so exhausting. 

Then in the final stages I passed by the horrific accident northbound on the F3. You knew immediately that there must have been lives lost. It was an incredibly sad sight, and just so eery. Emergency services were everywhere and they were still working on one of the cars. Heard on the radio moments later they were still trying to rescue passengers. Your heart broke for those involved. One fatality, two rushed to hospital. Devastating. 

As horrific as that accident was, I believe there would have been many more except everyone on the road was being so careful and cautious yesterday. THANK YOU FELLOW DRIVERS! I feel very reassured that when it gets tough most drivers forget about time, rushing and whatever else is going on in their lives and just focus on safety. Prevented many more accidents I'm sure - and saved lives!

The thing that gave me the shits yesterday, and it is incredibly superficial and silly in the grand scheme of things, was that after my dramatic drunken injuries on Saturday night I am a physical mess. Can't believe I'm 38 and still falling over. Not sure which to blame more, the slipping or the intoxication, leaning towards the intoxication. Old enough to know better that’s for goddamn sure!

So now I am limping around with a sore knee and corked thigh with a giant scab on my forehead. I'm going to have to wear a hat to work cause I can't do my hair and no one should have to look at it. Yes, yes it’s a completely superficial wound which will be gone in a few days, but its still gives me the shits I have it at all. But in comparison to other events of yesterday it is ridiculous to even bring it up.

Sadness for the life lost, tense from the driving and shitty at my own stupidity means not the post I'd planned today. 

Sending deepest sympathies to the family and friends of the driver who lost his life. So unbelievably tragic.

Monday, May 30, 2011

A night out in the Inner West has left me scarred!

Yesterday’s post is probably my all-time favourite, today’s is a dog's breakfast!

How can I go from such a high to such a low? Well in between these two posts was JoThornely’s 40th Party and it has left me a shell of my former self.

But oh so much fun! Brilliant fun! Makes it all worth it (I think?). Including my new scar. But more about that later…

The night started with a world-first. Man Pit had its first actual man as a guest. A man’s man, a straight man. Mr and Mrs Woog came over for a pre-drink. Mr Woog is the absolute coolest straight man ever! Mrs Woog has done very well for herself landing that one. Had to bite my tongue though from asking him to carry out some manly tasks while at Man Pit like hanging some pictures and fixing the shower head. And as is the case whenever I have guests at Man Pit we ordered pizza’s – this time it was Pork Belly and Puttanesca. Slowly working my way through entire menu.
Mrs Woog enjoying The Bed of Man Pit 
So then we got out our passports and trekked all the way out to the Inner West for the par-tay!

It was just so lovely. Lovely to meet some of JoThornely’s friends who I’d heard so much about. So lovely to catch up with some workmates outside of the office. So lovely to finally meet Shellity. Strangely, JoThornely shares her birthday with her twin sister Shellity – go figure! So lovely to spend some time with the gorgeous MsCharlotteD and Arrjaydub, they 100% lead Mrs Woog and I astray. I’m sure they spiked our drinks with a Rohypnol or two.
MsCharlotteD and Mrs Woog
Now JoThornely and Shellity gave the most brilliant of 40th Birthday speeches. It was genius. They did it together and because they are both absolute masters of the English language it was a beautifully constructed, hilarious poem. As you do. They are very clever ladies, the audience loved it. Congrats guys, made the night.

Strangely I have no photos of the birthday girl, well that was a bit of an oversight! Such a shame cause she looked SMOKIN’ HOT!!! Smokin’! So instead you get me and MsD…

It soon came to that messy point in the night where we had to either stumble to a new venue or beg and whore ourselves on the street for a cab. Mrs Woog’s advice is always to leave when you’re having fun and never change venues. She took her own advice and after swaying our way up the street we bundled her in a cab, hiccupping. I was then taken under the wing of MsCharlotteD and Arrjaydub for some fun and frivolity at the Inner West’s finest gay establishment, The Imperial!

For some reason I always feel tall, young and attractive whenever I go to the Impie. They definitely breed them smaller out that way. MsCharlotteD towered over 90% of patrons, Arrjaydub not so much. And now a sentence I think I’ve only ever used twice before in my life… The drag shows were really good! It also helped that we almost won the meat raffle but instead scored some free passes. It’s the small things in life that give the greatest joy.
Arrjaydub and MsD
Then there was a dramatic turn of events. As I stumbled my way to the bathroom I took a headfirst fall into the wall and splayed myself on the bathroom floor. So dramatic! Thank god no one saw cause it was mortifying enough without anyone seeing. And thank god I was suitably lubricated or I would have burst into tears. Cracked my head open and at first I thought I was going to die from blood loss. After much pressed toilet paper it calmed right down. Thank god for the life saving MsCharlotteD and Arrjaydub who escorted me from the building with toilet paper stuck to my head and ensured I arrived home safely. Can not thank you guys enough! Loves you!

Woke up this morning, and I can confirm my modeling carrer is over due to my new hairline scar and my sporting career is over cause my knee is swollen like a rockmelon. Don’t you just love drunken injuries.

So to make myself feel better I ordered all this and layed on the couch for the ENTIRE day.
I love you Pizza Hut!
Thank you JoThornely, you are the hottest 40yo on the planet! Could bounce a coin on your arse and those guns rival Schwarzenegger.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

My Friends.

I’m blaming Oprah, but today I am absolutely full of love. She’s definitely made me all sentimental and mushy. I think it was seeing Oprah with Gail and Maria that pushed me over the edge.

I was sitting on the plane yesterday and just thinking about the last 10 days. It’s been a little crazy and it’s left me rather tired and emotional. But what I could not stop thinking about was my crazy, fun, amazing friends that I’d caught up with and how goddamn lucky I am. They are from all walks of life, some I’ve known for decades while others only a few months, and in this tale we cover three cities.

This tale begins last weekend in BrisVegas…

Now this may be the oddest name to ever appear on this blog. I call her Work Smarter Not Harder cause WSNH first gave me this advice in ’99. It is genius, and the best advice I’ve ever had in my life. Now WSNH is not only a communications genius but also hysterically funny! She ‘hates the gays’ but always manages to surround herself with them, and after last weekend she is royalty at The Beat. I think for 99% of our friendship we’ve lived in different cities, which makes it so much more special and fun when we do get to play together. I love WSNH cause not only is she a bogan like me but also an absolute dream to have as a friend. It's like we were separated at birth. And a bonus, she introduced me too…

You know sometimes when you meet someone and everything just clicks. This happened to me last year when I met Sleemol. It was like we’d been besties for years and over the past few months we’ve proven we are no one-hit wonder. I adore him! Same warped sense of humour, same love of social media, same love of being fabulously gay. Sleemol is actually too smart for his own good. He will one day be changing the world in some way and I’m so tagging along for the ride. Brisbane is nothing without Sleemol. He also loves some Young Talent Time dancing at Brisbane’s finest gay establishments.

Man Pit played host to North Shore Princess on Tuesday, Sammy invited her over. NSP and I have one of those beautiful friendships where it doesn’t matter if it is days or years since we’ve seen each other, we pick it right back up where we left off. There is something incredibly genuine about our friendship, hard for me to describe. I think it comes from being by each others sides when life for both of us was changing dramaticly. NSP held my hand as I came bounding out of the closet and she even leant me her clothes.

Now Miss Cal is my Plus One, in life and on Wednesday. We have highs and lows like any old, married couple and we can both be stubborn mules when we want to be. She has been my best friend since we moved into a Uni dorm together in ’93. I can tell Miss Cal anything, she knows me as well as anyone, and the reverse. We have a warts-&-all friendship that will see us together in a retirement home for glamorous PR types attended by gorgeous houseboys. On Wednesday we played with Jennifer Hudson, Miss Cal rubbed my back when she was standing behind me cause she knew I would be in tears.

Where the hell did Mrs Woog come from??? Until a few months ago I hadn’t seen her since ’95. Then out of the blue – WHAMMO – Mrs Woog is everywhere in my life. And I couldn’t be happier! She is my friend, my guidance counsellor, my mentor, my drinking buddy, she can fill any role asked of her. She is both the most normal person in the world and also the most outrageous. She is who she is, take it or leave it. Like the thousands of people who adoringly read her blog I’ll take it any day of the week. This week it was both Wednesday and Saturday – both involving vodka!

I don’t even know where to start with Miss Melbourne and Lady Marmalade. They are both so stylish, sassy, hilarious and successful that they are almost impossible to describe. And so, so Melbourne! They know that city like the back of their hand, well at least all the restaurants and bars. Dining with them, like I did on Friday night, is always pure joy, if not a little scary – they have exacting standards. What I love and respect most about Miss M and Lady M is that they have carved out the most amazing lives for themselves, are so independent and together, all while laughing at the world and wearing gorgeous jewellery.

Don’t even get me started on my workmates. They are creative geniuses and some of the most intelligent, funny people you will ever meet. I’m very lucky to work alongside them. Work is not work when you work with workmates like mine. Fact.

Ok, now I’m gonna take my sentimentality to a whole new level. My first real love and serious relationship was with The Sculptor. This was like 10 years ago. He is a very special man. We have both changed a lot since we were together, especially The Sculptor. He’s changed and grown in so many ways, and fuck it’s impressive. He’s turned his love and talent in art into a career and I have so much respect for that. He was just starting out when we were together. On Friday night we were two single men cruising Melbourne’s gay bars together. The Sculptor showed me his world and I loved it! Who said you can never be friends with your ex?

I just need to squeeze in here a little something about the most ridiculously loving couple I know – SimieBoy and Milney01. While I didn’t get to catch up with them in Melbourne, a phone call completely inspired me. Whatever they do in life they will be successfull because they are so motivated, so clever, have such a brilliant attitude to life and they have each other. Grab the bull by the horns boys, and I’d love to come along for the ride (and I don’t mean on a podium!).

JoThornely. She is a statement. She does not require a full sentence. The irony is her true brilliance lies in the creation of sentences. She is one of the funniest, cleverest writers you will ever read. Off the page, she is a work-buddy who has become so much more this past year. We have, certainly more through good luck than good management, merged many of our friendships. Now it’s just plain confusing. The best part is that through each other, and our online activities, our circle of friends has grown and we all came together for her 40th last night. If only she wasn’t a gay man trapped in a woman’s body, instead just a gay man. Wingman.

Now this is not a role-call of my friends, just a little mental recap of the past 10 days. What I take from all of this is that I am so incredibly lucky to have so many amazing people in my life. I love all my friends dearly. I know I can be the most selfish man in the world and no one is more easily distracted, so my friends put up with a lot. I remember writing when I first started this blog that one of my motivations was to document the crazy antics of my gang and show how much I love them. This was a chance to do that.

I love my friends. Even more than Oprah loves Gail.

Friday, May 27, 2011

I can't blog today. Two reasons...

I can't blog today.

I am too emotional.

I am overcome with such a sense of loss I can barely function.

I haven't felt this sad since Susie O'Neill retired from swimming. Or since Will & Grace was cancelled.

Its an absolute double whammy today, a big back-handed slap across the face. First the most devastating news. One of the all-time hottest cops called it a day. My Christopher Meloni announced that he was leaving my beloved Law & Order SVU after 12 glorious seasons. I can not go on... I am too upset. RIP DET. ELLIOT STABLER!
Det. Stabler
And of course, it goes without saying, that today being the final episode ever of Oprah leaves me with a heavy heart. I've watched the last two nights and I've teared up about 3 times each ep - even with that giant layer of cheese. Over the years I have loved Oprah, watched with great regularity (I do have a tv on my desk at work...!). There is now a big whole in my viewing schedule...

Love you Oprah, miss you already!!!
Bye Bye
And just because I can... Here is a nudie shot of Christopher Meloni to put a brief smile on your face on an otherwise sad, sad day.

Thursday, May 26, 2011


I have been in the presence of greatness! JENNIFER HUDSON!!!

After last night I worship at the altar of Ms Hudson! I believe her to be the voice of her generation, there is no equal. Fact!

So in one of those random events that life dishes out, I scored an invite to a Jennifer Hudson ‘Up Close & Personal’ thrown by the lovely people at MIX 106.5. One of the cheekier, sassier, smoother, more adorable radio promo types is @ShaunHeron who shot me through the invite. Hesitated for a minute, but then thought why the hell not – for godsake she won an Oscar – so invited along my No. 1  Miss Cal.

Well. I can confidently say that it was one of the most amazing performances I’ve ever seen. Jennifer Hudson is a SUPERSTAR with the most phenomenal voice! Such composure, so genuine, unbelievably effortless! 

Not one to blow some smoke up my own arse… but I’ve been very lucky over the years and have met, seen, heard some of the greatest voices and performers. On top of that, I am a bitter and twisted middle-aged queen who thinks he’s seen and done it all before.

That is… Until I was five people back at a JENNIFER HUDSON showcase!

I seriously can not describe how sensational her performance was last night. At one stage I was literally doubled over with my whole body tensed in anticipation, goosebumps even on my calf muscles, tears welling in my eyes. I couldn’t even scream with joy I was literally so speechless. I couldn’t tell you what songs she sang or even how many, just that with each song she took her performance to a whole new level.

I worked on Australian Idol, and I was in the room for the original audition, semi-final (Barbra Streisand) and performances (most notably ‘Chains’) for the one-and-only Paulini. To my ear I have always considered Paulini one of the most pure, effortless voices I have ever heard in my life. In a bizarre coincidence I’d bumped into Paulini last night just before JH took the stage. She was beside herself with excitement. Singers know and love other singers, this I have learnt over the years. When I was about to collapse in pure rapture over JH, Paulini was a few steps in front of me waving her arms with absolute joy. I know what I love, Paulini loves it cause she understands the skill and talent involved.
Mrs Woog and Paulini
Yes, yes I know I am now gushing like a 12 year old after a Bieber concert but I am not alone. Miss Cal grabbed me half way through a JH song and yelled “AMARSING” while she patted my back instinctually knowing I was already in tears.  Having been invited as well, Mrs Woog and her +1 Mrs Ryan were in tears like myself. Seriously, our new bestie Jennifer was AMARSING!


Ahhhh… Jennifer… Thank you!

And just to finish off, and just because I love the photo, Mrs Woog and Mrs Ryan ended up back at Man Pit on the couch with me and Sam to watch the IQ’d final Oprah ep. But more about that another time…

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Random Delights: gifts that keep on giving

Now my beautiful North Shore Princess came to Man Pit for dinner last night (thanks once again to the pizza place downstairs for catering). Ms North Shore is phenomenally good at retaining weird pop culture stuff, always has been. She shared with me a number of delights which I would now love to share with you!

Now is it just me or this this the most phallic piece of exercise equipment ever! I desperately want to buy one. Keep an eye out for the look on the guys face towards the end - absolutely priceless.

Now my second favourite of the many 'unique' vids she showed me already has a special place in my heart. I recently did my wrap up of this winter's most fabulous couch fashion - I wish I had of known about this little gem when I wrote that post. It's much better than the classic Shield of Wings or the new designer Snuggie primarily because you don't have to take it off to do a shit. Genius!

We discovered this gem together. Now I am not a woman so maybe this one is beyond me. But I simply do not understand the physics of this. I do not understand..
A. Why boobs are so uncomfortable to sleep with,
B. How the hell this contraption would help at all.

And now something completely repulsive and disturbing to leave with you. The breastfeeding of an 8 year old. Sorry to have to share, but there is good in it - it will make everyone realise that there are definitely worse parents out there than yourself! Like I said... DISGUSTING!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Mid-Life Crisis hits early!

You may find what I'm about to say shocking and disturbing.

I’ve got a horrible, horrible feeling that I am in the early stages of a mid-life crisis. I don’t want to prematurely inflame the situation but I really get the sense I am only a few years off the stereotypically tragic midlife crisis with all the clichéd trappings.

Now we’ve all mocked and laughed at celebs who’ve so obviously gone through it, and we’ve whispered and gossiped about our friend’s dads and workmates who go all MLC. I’ve enjoyed this as much as anyone. But now I think I get it, I understand it, and this is not something to be laughed at. It is a deep-seeded, psychological issue that I can’t seem to control.
Classic MLC
Let me take you through a few of the early warning signs that I am currently experiencing…

Now that I’ve grown my hair into a quiff that resembles Andrew McCarthy in the 80’s I am desperate to get some frosted tips! I would just kill for some beautiful honey highlights. Even if it was just through my newly acquired floppy fringe. Now I know that a man of a certain age should never ever get foils, but that doesn’t change the fact that I really, really want to.
Fabio I adore your frosted tips.
I’ve started dancing again! I actually believe I’m a real groover on the dance floor – I’ve got my mojo back. I haven’t danced, like in a nightclub, for years and of late I am literally pushing people off the podium. Just this weekend I was whipping out some of my very best moves. The harsh reality is they look more like a Young Talent Time performance than booty shakin’ the young folk are bustin’ out. I think at one point I even did a grapevine. The moment I do the ‘wave’ I will be kicked out for sure. My MLC has made me think I am a young hip, cool kid who can boogie-woogie.
Disco dancing like its YTT at The Beat
Speaking of going out… I am playing in bars and clubs like I am 19 again. And what I mean by that is that I have been going to bars that serve drinks in plastic cups rather than a gorgeous crystal martini glasses. Their fridges are stacked with Bacardi Breezers and not boutique beers. This is just goddamn inappropriate for a man of my age. And the fundamental difference is that when I was a young fella I used to laugh at the seedy old men standing at the bar with their floppy, frosted tipped fringes  - now I am that man! It kills me to think that now I am being laughed at, especially without even delivering a pithy one-liner.

My next car will be a convertible, I guarantee you that. I have never been a car person, ever! I only just learnt how to put oil in the one I have. But I am completed fixated on having a convertible by my 40th. And I have no idea why. I just really, really want one. A BMW 1 series, Audi A3 or a Volkswagen Eos (in that order, depending on budget). I reckon I’d even be one of those losers who drives across the Harbour Bridge on an overcast winter’s day with the top down wearing Ferrari aviator shades. You know exactly the man I am talking about. Wonder who will finance me? Is there a fund somewhere for MLC men that I can access???
I love you!
I’m loving my personal trainer. Now I could try and kid myself and say that I am getting up at sparrow’s fart a couple of mornings a week so that I can stay fit and healthy and live a better life. NO WAY!!! This would be a blatant lie. I do it because I am incredibly vain and have a massive ego. I wanna be thin and have muscles, a body that looks good in swimmers and shirtless on a podium (such an MLC thing to say!). I want a body that is more Olympic swimmer than marshmallow man. Progress is slow on this front, primarily because of the aforementioned bar-hopping.

I’ve realised that in my mad frenzy to furnish Man Pit with butch, masculine furniture that I’ve actually gone quite porn star. I’ve got a black leather arm chair at its very heart. Now that would never have been part of my décor before my early on-set MLC. I have lots of heavy dark wood furniture with silver accessories. I also have a giant mirror above my bed. There was a practical reason for this – it’s this huge gold ornate mirror that is too heavy to hang but sits beautiful on the ledge behind my bed. But now I am wondering if it was my subliminal MLC that lead me to placing it there. Man Pit has the strong hint of ‘aging porn star’.

And finally, and this will be no surprise to anyone who knows me, I dress far too young for my age. Skinny jeans with a baggy arse do not work on portly middle-aged men with a saggy arse. Low cut V t’shirts exposing grey chest hair should be binned. Purple accessories, such as shoes and watches, are far to try-hard on a 38yo, especially when worn in combination. Hair bands look good on funky 22yo’s, not semi-professionals. St. Murphy, do not buy clothes from the Zara Youth collection! My MLC is preventing me from realising I can not buy the same clothes I did when I was 24, and that at some stage I need to ‘mature’ my wardrobe.
Hot on him, not so good on me...
Yes, yes, I admit, you’ve caught me on a bad day. While I do not 100% believe it is in fact a mid-life crisis I am going through, I was more than slightly alarmed when I started thinking about this list. It actually started to make me think there is more truth in it than I originally thought. I am on high alert now for further signs. If I start dating a 21 year old or buy tickets to a Short Stack concert you all have permission to slap me. If you see me wearing gold jewellery, especially an earring, or I ask you to come with me to Home Nightclub you can cull me without question.

Let me assure though I will do my very best not to become a clichéd MLC. I want you laughing at my witty story-telling not my frosted tips.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Brunette + Gun + TV = Fetish!

I’ve definitely got this thing for strong women on television. A fetish in fact!

All my favourite characters on TV are ballsy, strong, smart, hot women who not only take control but also shed a tear. I’ve come to think of them as sisters. Most of them know how to handle a gun. I particularly love a cop or a lawyer, but as most shows I watch are crime drama’s there’s nothing odd about that.

What is odd though is that they all have one thing in common - they are all brunette. It seems I have a fetish for tall, thin brunette women with immaculate eyebrows. Not sure what that means but lets explore it…

I’ll try not to scare you with descriptive details, but these manicured, striking women I have a fetish for are literally the opposite of what I’m attracted to when it comes to men. Show me a man who’s rough around the edges and washes infrequently and I bet you I take a second look. I’m not talking homeless here, but there’s certainly nothing wrong with ‘unkept’. Think Heath Ledger in Two Hands or a younger Johnny Depp.

I’m sure a psychotherapist could get all Fruedian about this – something about searching out men and women for different needs influencing attraction – but hey, I aint no psychotherapist. I just know I love hot, strong, manicured women on television who could boss me around and gun me down! Let me tell you who they are, see if you agree?

Det. Olivia Benson played by Mariska Hargitay: Law & Order SVU
SVU is possibly the all-time greatest crime drama and she is the heart of it. A product of rape, this has driven her to solve sex-crimes her entire career. In the interview room she can flirt, she can ball-break, she can out smart and play dumb. She is truly brilliant. And the way she wears those leather coats over her holster is heaven. Besides that shocker cut in series 2 and 3 her hair has been flawless for 11 series. And don’t even get me started on her eyebrows. SVU is nothing without her.
No better cop in the world than Det. Benson
Special Agent Kensi Blye played by Daniela Ruah; NCIS Los Angeles
A newcomer to my fetish list but WOW has she made an impact. Next to all those boys on NCIS she shines the brightest. Body of a supermodel, kick-boxing skills supreme, super-intelligent. And she’s so flirty with me through the screen. Best ensemble cast on TV at the moment and she is the break-out star. I just wanna be besties with her so we can hang-out on weekends and shoot terrorists.
Ballsiest bitch on the block
ADA Abbie Carmichael played by Angie Harmon; Law & Order
Now I have had a crush on Abbie since the 90’s. I adore her! Even when she’s wearing those truly awful drop-waisted jackets as she walks through the courthouse corridors she is stunning. That gravelly voice has every defence attorney questioning their case strategy. She’s not afraid to take it up to the big bosses but is also great friends with the police detectives. She is an absolute top chick but don’t let that Texan drawl fool you for one minute that she is anything but whippet smart.
Bad clothes do not disguise her beauty or brains
Alicia Florek played by Julianna Margulies; The Good Wife
Now this was not an instant attraction. Took me ages to fall under the spell of Alicia. That broken woman thing was boring at the start. But as she has gained power and control I am enthralled by her. The most subtle of gestures speaks volumes with this woman, you have to spend a lot of time with her to understand. She is fast climbing my Top Brunette’s Ladder. Now all she has to do is shag the guy from Don’t Tell Mom The Baby-Sitters Dead and I’ll be complete putty in her hands.
Phenomenal eyebrow work!
So they are my top 4 brunette fetishes! But I’ve saved my greatest television obsession till the end. She doesn’t fit my young, hot brunette list but I can’t talk about female characters on television without worshipping at the altar of S. Epatha Merkerson! My all-time favourite television character is Lt. Anita Van Buren. I record every ep of Law & Order, watch at least 2 a day and on a weekend can churn through up to 8. The greatest moments are when Lt Van Buren decides to step in and handle the ‘interview’ herself – spectacular intuition and street-smarts. When she discovered she had cancer my heart broke, I was completely empowered by how she dealt with it. Anita will be a friend for life.
Thank you for indulging me, cause this was a post of pure indulgence. 

I love you Olivia, Kinsey, Abbie, Alicia and Anita! And with IQ and box-sets I plan to enjoy you for many years to come.

But don't get me wrong, I love you in a purely non-sexual way. We may be friends but it is Heath and Johnny who will be in my dreams.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Just stick it in the oven!

So have you ever noticed how bad habits can grip you very quickly?

Happens to me all the time!

The latest bad habit to take control at Man Pit is OVEN FOOD! Oven food of any high-caloried description, as long as all I have to do is stick it in and set a timer.
My oven has an angelic glow!
Some back-story first! For the past six years my delightful partner Aschapelle (artist formerly known as Boyfriend than exBoyfriend now Aschapelle) did all the cooking of the evening meals. Now I am living in the city’s most glamorous of bachelor pads, Man Pit, I am having to fend for myself. It ain’t going so well. I hate cooking, I have no skill at it, and I certainly have no flair for it. Colonel Sanders is my all-time favourite chef. That says it all really.

Also, the first time I cooked at Man Pit I embarrassingly set off the fire alarm. It's left me scared to use the fry pan. So much safer to stick things in the oven.  So simple – set the temp, set the timer on the iPhone – dinner is ready! Let me take you through a few of my favourite things, or 80% of my evening meals this past few months…

My personal favourite is the Sargent’s Angus Beef pies – the absolute best $4 you can ever spend.
Second most regular go-to item in my freezer is the Birdseye fish fillets which I have loved for a very, very long time. Especially the herb & garlic.

A recent addition to my scintillating oven repertoire is the mini Chicken Kiev’s, so much joy in such a little bundle.

And the piece–de-resistance is my Party favourite – the Puffy Dogs! Mini frankfurters wrapped in pastry. Delightful!

But after a lovely, lovely dinner with a group of friends this week I’ve learnt the error of my ways. Apparently it is quite easy to cook healthy, easy meals for one – who would’ve thought! Julie McCoy was particularly helpful, she is a genius in many capacities. She gave me two brilliant recipes. One is a simple as mixed salad greens, olive oil, lemon juice, salt and pepper. Even I can’t go wrong with that surely. So I gave it a shot, judge for yourself…
The bowl of fruit is purely decorative.
I even tossed it with my own hands. An absolute first for me!

And yes, I did the steak under the grill cause I am still too scared to use the fry pan. Hey, you don’t become Jamie Oliver overnight. Working myself up to that.
Little Sammy likes to watch me eat steak.
But I’m feeling just a little proud tonight that I’ve at least mastered a salad – it was DELICIOUS! That’s a big step forward for me and huge inroads to Bachelorhood.

This is certainly going to make more room in my freezer for vodka and ice-cream.

Special thank you to my all-time favourite travel agent Julie McCoy for sharing her knowledge of food!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Hi-FIVE!... Opera House, Planking, Ms G's, Mr MDJ & Bangkok

Just like some of my favourite things... the Spice Girls, the Olympic Rings, 5-star hotels, my right hand... I like things that come in 5's. Today I have 5 little tales from the past few days that will hopefully offer some explanation as to why there have been no posts here recently! Again I say, I am so easily distracted - most commonly by vodka, food and friends.

Tale 1. Jackson and Sam play Tourist.

Jackson is my son who I lost in the divorce, but with our joint custody arrangement (when one of us has to travel) I have my blonde bombshell staying with me for the week. On staurday I got to take Jackson and his step brother Little Sammy on their first trip to the Lady Macquarie’s Chair to see the Opera House and Harbour Bridge. They loved it!!! The sites were spectacular for their little eyes to see.
Sadly what I think they were most interested in though was being the Flower Girls for this gorgeous Japanese couple having their weeding photos.

Tale 2. Planking at The Imperial (and I ain't being dirty)!

Everyone knows I am an absolute victim of popular culture – if anyone else is doing something than I have to join in! Fact! So while out enjoying some fabulous gayness on Saturday night at the Inner West’s very best Impie, and after numerous vodka’s, we decided to do some planking – if KAK can than we sure as hell can as well. My partners in crime where people who should know better and certainly be more mature, Lucky Paulie and Newshound Brad, but somehow I was the only one foolish enough to try.

Of course I made it as easy for myself as possible, I have no core strength, so did it on the dance floor… Laying flat!
Not sure who that is treading on me...
Please note: No one was injured, and this ridiculousless was carried out before the ‘balcony incident’ in Qld. Lucky I only tried it on the floor. AND... I can 100% confirm that a man of a certain age should not go out disco dancing for 6 hours, I could hardly walk on Monday; back, neck and I think I pulled a hammie.

Tale 3. Miss Cal knows her food!

She most certainly does! We went on an exploration of my new neighbourhood on Sunday with the sole purpose of eating lunch. On Miss Cal’s recommendation we stumbled into Ms G’s on Victoria St, Miss Cal had read a great review. Its cute, its funky, it has an atrium with great afternoon sun. We just wanted to be warm so we were happy to wait for a table out the back. Can I just say, so worth the wait!!! The food was spectacular – I loved my wagyu beef in chilli broth with noodles. Miss Cal loved hers too but I can’t remember exactly what it was, too distracted by the wagyu in front of me. The only slight imperfection, as is often the case in the Eastern Suburbs, attiitude does not mean service. Out the back it was great, up the front not so flash. Can be overlooked… I recommend.
Atrium at Ms G's
Tale 4. Mr MDJ has a Birthday!

Thank god I have cool friends who know the cool places to go cause I have literally no idea! Mr MDJ is probably my oldest friend in Syd-er-ney after we met mid-90’s when he was a barman and I was a cocktail waitress at the very (non)glamorous Banana Bar at Taylor Square. When I write my memoirs about memorable nights out Mr MDJ will feature HEAVILY!!! His dear friend, the Cougar, organised a gorgeous birthday dinner at somewhere far too cool and gorgeous for me to even know about called Bar H. The food was AMARSING! The company even better. Jeez, they took good care of us, even when we started shouting and making jokes that I’m sure only we would find funny. Huge thank you to the Cougar for organising, and HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDY Mr MDJ.
Mr MDJ and the gorgeous Cougar
Tale 5. My Birthday ‘escape’ is locked and loaded!!!

For some reason this year I do not want to be in Sydney for my birthday. Normally I force everyone in a 75km radius to celebrate it with me, willingly or not. This year its my 39th which is such a nothing birthday when you know you have the MASSIVE 40th celebration next year (mark it in your diaries now people!). And I also I really like the idea of being ‘newly independent St. Murphy’ and going on holidays by myself for the first time in years. After much debate, much indecision and much advice I decided on a week in Bangkok cause it has everything! Only ever had 1 night there and I adored it. Time to go back…
As luck should have it, one of Mr MDJ’s nearest and dearest is also a very fabulous travel agent. Within the space of, and I swear I am not exaggerating, 2 hours she had the whole thing sorted and booked - all by email. I actually think she may be a genius! I’m calling her Julie McCoy (bonus points if you know why?). Beside myself now, so excited! Six days in Bangkok is just what a 39th Birthday needs!
LeBua Hotel Sky Bar... where I'll start my evening cocktails!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Great News! Uganda's parliament takes no action on anti-gay bill

I like to think that we've all made a little difference today.

Lots of emailing and blogging of late about the horrid situation in Ugandan where there was the potential for a law to be introduced that could mean death penalty for homosexual acts.

Parliament wrapped up yesterday and the Bill didn't make it to a vote. While the Bill is not completely dead it now needs to start the long road all over again before it can become law, such is the way Ugandan parliament works.
Gay activist David Kato killed in January
The story of murdered Ugandan activist David Kato and the worldwide call for petition signatures are both things I've banged on about before, so it is a great relief to know that the gay community in Uganda does not live under this threat, at least for the time being. They still have unbelievable discrimination issues so they so there is still a long way to go.

To read more, here is some of the coverage today...

BBC News
Global Post (great read)

And just finally, so impressed that Foreign Minister Kevin Rudd came out in opposition to this. Very impressed that it was on his radar. Thanks Kev!

ABC News story on Rudd's condemnation of Uganda's anti-gay bill.

Thanks all.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Man's Greatest Curse

I believe that the Man-Flu is one of the most crippling, debilitating diseases known to humanity and much more money needs to be invested into medical research to find a cure.

Men should not have to suffer like this!
Dramatic re-enactment of Man-Flu!
I was on deaths-door this week with a devastatingly bad dose of the Man-Flu. It hit me like a tonne of bricks Monday afternoon and by 6pm I was reaching for the phone to call my mummy. By 8pm I was trolling convenience stores for cold&flu pills, by 10 I was ready to call an ambulance. Why does this strain of flu hit men so hard, why are we being punished like this?

Is it because we can lift heavy things? Or because we can pee standing up? Or because we aren’t expected to wear heels? I just don’t understand.

Now while I have suffered in silence these past few days (cough! cough!), it has been brought to my attention that some women feel that men are whingers when it comes to the dreaded Man-Flu. Let me assure you we are not. I went through 6 hankies, 2 packs of Codral, endless Aspro Clear, 4 litres of orange juice, 2 Hawaiian pizza’s, a large Cadbury’s block and box of Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies – now that is sick!
So sick!
I was even known to moan out loud! (but just thinking about that it could have been indigestion)

The only saving grace of the devastating Man-Flu is that in my experience it passes quite quickly. It could have been the sheer volume of drugs I took that cleared it up in 2 days? Or what I think is much more likely is that men are bred incredibly tough and resilient, and our bodies fight such disease with great gusto and determination to rid ourselves of it as quick as possible. We do not whinge, we do not whine, we just fight the good fight and get on with life.

Just like I did this week! (cough! choke! cough!)

Back at my desk by Thursday with a spring in my step and a glow in my cheeks - Man-Flu beaten once again!

On describing my critical condition to my dear colleague and Melbourne’s very best, KDPublicity, she insisted I watch this YouTube video…

KD, what are you trying to tell me???

Thanks everyone for your support and love during this incredibly tough and trying time, me and my Man-Flu thank you.

And just thank your higher-power that us men don’t have to go through child-birth.

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