Wednesday, March 16, 2011

There's some weird shit going on in London...

Talk about the ramblings of a mad man! Here we go…

I’ve been walking around London for a few days now and there are some things that I’m finding really weird and I just need to get them off my chest.

I’d never been here in my life but this is my 4th time in two years so now I’m practically an expert. And don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love it, would live her in a heartbeat, but I just need to vent.

So some random statements, in no particular order….

How can you not be instantly drawn to a place called SuperDrugs! It holds so much promise. Alas, its just a chemist.

No pre-requisite to be attractive to host a show on TV here. A policy that is obviously applied by all channels. Take Vanessa Feltz from The Vanessa Show for example. In Sydney she’d be leading Mardi Gras not hosting a daytime chat show.
Vanessa Feltz
And there are SO MANY chat shows. So much chat goes on here. Chat, chat, chat. Morning, noon and night. Too much chat ladies, too much chat! And I am 100% sure they all use the same set.

They are obsessed with antiques, renovations and real estate. If its not a chat show it’s a “how to buy and sell antiques for your renovated home while searching for your next investment property that you’re gonna renovate and flip” program. Granted, I don’t have the Sky channels at the hotel but the choice on TV is leaving me heartbroken.

They sell cigerettes in these gorgeous little sexy 10-packs. Perfect for non-smokers like myself.

Stupidly I have packed very little underwear. Now I prefer a brief, and the briefer the better. It seems that British Men do not believe in them cause NO ONE sells them. Can not find them anywhere. Makes me feel like a dirty old perv for wanting brief undies. Trunks only here. Thank god I’ve stopped wearing G-strings. I’m going to have to recycle.

They drive on the left hand side of the road but when you are on an escalator you have to stand on the right. Makes no sense.

Its arctic cold, I’m freezing to death. But today I saw far too many people wearing nothing but a t’shirt. I had FOUR layers on. Felt like yelling at them “Just because its Spring doesn’t mean its warm!” – I think they have mind-powers here that convince the body anything over 10 degrees is balmy.

All the cute boys are anorexic. Everyone who ‘catches my eye’ is wearing ridiculously stylish multi-layers on their bone thin body. The Sydney equivalent goes to the gym 5 times a week and is as buff as hell. Or my other fancy here is a Russian. I think this goes back to my burgeoning sexuality watching the Russian gymnasts during the 1980 Olympics.
Not best example but you get the point....
You can not buy a decent coffee anywhere. Even brands I know here are shit. My scientific brain now thinks it’s the milk that is ruining it for me. But got the hot tip from a few people today on Flat White in Soho. Will be checking that one for sure.

I’ve seen one KFC in 3 days! And you call yourself CIVILISED!!!

The supermarkets are perfect for Bachelors and Bachelorettes. They sell everything in perfectly sized meals-for-one! I absolutely love it. Nothing you can’t get to stick in the microwave for a full gourmet dinner for one. Why don’t we have supermarkets like this in OZ? There is money to be made.
Love you Sainsbury's
And I’m gonna end on my absolute favourite thing I’ve discovered in the last 3 days. The hottest musical act in the UK at the moment is The Four Nurses. And guess what, they are four nurses!!! I kid you not! They have an album out called Guiding You and its full of songs to heal to. GOLD!!!!  They are raising money for cancer charities so I shouldn’t joke – but how can you not??? There current single is I’ll Stand By You.

Along with your Will & Kate ashtray, all St. Murphy readers will be getting The Four Nurses in their Xmas stocking.

Over and out.

UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE!!!!! I've just made the British Discovery of the Year! (due to the time difference)

Please meet the host of Five's OK! TV - Matt Johnson. I LOVE AND ADORE HIM!


Anonymous said...

Try Marks and Spencer for undies. Completely agree coffee is rubbish here!

Kirsty said...

Right Murph.....

Please please please can you bring me back some Kate and Will's tat.

M&S can deliver you undies, plus their food hall is FABULOUS.

It's not classy but they have the best salad dressing. Get to Pizza Express...

Chat shows. Loose Women rocks. Plus, they LOVE an awards dooo. Those women really know how to drink.

And if you're missing TV land, head to Studio 6 on the Southbank. There you will find a plethora of ITV publicists at any time of the day or night keeping that establishment afloat with their constant purchase of white wine.

TJ said...

There's brilliant coffee near the office at Lantana - all you had to do was check with an Aussie. I expected more of you...

Jo said...

You do know you're bringing me back a present, right? Some coffee-flavoured briefs will be fine.

Mrs Woog said...

Feed those models please. Maybe a curry

Peter432 said...

One of my favourite St.Murphy blog entries. I think your readers would like to hear your opinions on more destinations, what do you say fans Toronto next? I think so.

Let's hear what St.Murphy has to say about Canada, but not in winter we've already have heard he is a bit of a wimp in the cold.

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