Tuesday, February 8, 2011

A Man Of A Certain Age... Top 10 Don'ts

Sadly, I am not as young as I pretend to be. My Twinkie days are well and truly behind me. I moved through the Young Urban Professional phase far too quickly. I am now squarely in the middle of the DINK(double-income-no-kids)-Mortgage-2Dogs-Responsibilities phase and fast-approaching the DREADED Middle Age! Before you know it I’ll be checking into a gay retirement home to be taken care of by beautiful 21yo house-boys.

At 38 I am acutely aware that there are some things that have to change. I’m now A Man Of A Certain Age and with that comes some limitations. I can not do/say/wear even what I did/said/wore 5 years ago. Here is my Top 10 List of things A Man Of A Certain Age can not do. In no particular order…

Audible Jewellery. If you are wearing enough jewellery that it clangs against each other than please take everything off bar one piece. Multiple-bangles or necklaces are not appropriate for A Man Of A Certain Age. Don’t get me started on ear-rings. And try to avoid gold, unless it’s a watch.
Too much.
Too Skinny Jeans. I was going to say Skinny Jeans but I still haven’t let go of the dream completely. Too Skinny Jeans just look wrong on a more mature gentlemen, and highlight the expanding waistline.

Sleeveless Tee’s. I wasn’t seen in anything else between ’99 and ’04. Now, as Jack said to Will, “your 20’s called and want your shirt back”. Besides, the gym-maintenance required to expose my arms is now completely beyond me.
Jack says no, and so do I.
“Peeps, dude, omg, lol”. Drop them. Just sound so try-hard on anyone over 35 (and that’s stretching it). But of course I will not be dropping “Darl, love, hon” because they are ageless and universal terms.

Music festivals. The primary reason for this inclusion is that the recovery is now just too hard. All that time on your feet, exposed to the elements, just too much. And we stand out like dogs-balls because of age-inappropriate clothing. And I have no idea who the bands are, never have.

Eyeliner. Granted, this was only a brief phase back in the mid-90’s but I still yearn for that dramatic look. Let it go StMurphy, let it go!!! I remember thinking I could never look better than when I was wearing eyeliner.

Hatchbacks. Buy a real car now that you can. Convertibles are hatchbacks for men of a certain age. We all progress eventually to sedans. It’s part of the life-man-cycle. I gotta get rid of mine in the next 18 months.
Cute. Never buy anything that you would describe as ‘cute’. Clothing, accessories, homewares – if your natural instinct is to call it cute put it back on the shelf immediately. Grown men do not do cute. We do sphosticated, elegant.

General Pants / Industrie. Just do not even enter these stores. Its embarrassing. And will just make you feel bad about yourself. I’ve got pubic hair older than the shop assistants trying to give me fashion advice. Besides, Industrie is a gay mans K-Mart.

Hire Suits. Unless it’s a wedding of course when uniformity prevails. But by now you should have a decent suit in your wardrobe that is multi-purpose. Gone are the days of those adjustable waisted pants and ill-fitting jackets. (truth-be-told… that’s a hire suit in my profile pic, and not the last time I wore one either)

So I now do what I can do fight my natural urges and avoid like the plague my Top 10 A Man Of A Certain Age Don’ts.

Note: Thank you to @JoThornely for her inspiration as one day last week she said to me I was to old for the jeans I was wearing.


Brad Gunn said...

no offense but men of a certain age hang out at the greyhound

So Now What? said...

Loved it. As a 35 year old woman I identify with nearly all, weird. Especially that bit about General Pants. I instantly feel uncool the minute I step over the threshold. Not sure if it's because I don't even get glanced at by the shop assistants or the fact my thigh wouldn't fit into both leg holes in most of their clothes. My Jazz needs to go too :(

Anonymous said...

I do the odd thing on your list and can for some reason get away with it.
Yet I agree with everything you say. 38 years young white males must adhere to this list. Our ethnic brothers in arms can still eye liner like a Bollywood Starlet, Wear those sleeveless Tops and Jewellery that clangs and startles birds like Johnny Depp.
What about haircuts and facial hair?
Im against looking at these older men with mohawks and yet we can carry a longer style as it says chic intellectual- and the moment its too long its says unkept old rocker.
Great work.

Kim said...

As a 39 year-old mother of a fourteen year-old girl, I routinely use terms like "peeps" and "dude". But only when her friends are over.

Anonymous said...

Most of those apply to straight men of a certain age also.

Especially the eyeliner.

~~Kallie~~ said...

You have a long way to go until Middle Age. My Doctor tells me that Old isn't until at least 65 so Middle age can't be before 50. Oh, and that line in the sand will keep moving. He's older than me & doesn't want to get old either ;)

Ergo you can be a sophisticated & elegant "Man of a certain age" for a long time yet :)

Ms Styling You said...

LOL, OMFG (oops). So agree with you on so many of these points, St Murphy.

Cal said...

yo sup! I still jangle to work in my little hatchback with racoon eyes. I thought of one you forgot - yelling obscenities about your friends' private parts in public. So 2000.

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