As befitting my intellectual maturity, today I am penning a Year 5 Poem to celebrate all that should be important to Australians. I’m sure there is a technical term for such a classic form of literature, but for me it’s how we wrote poems in 5th Class so that’s what I’m calling it.
What Australia Means To Me – A Year 5 Poem.
By St. Murphy
A – Athletes. As a nation we produce a disproportionate number of world class althletes – a lot of them are very hot (Swimmers) or very dumb (NRL). They are our heroes, our inspiration, and fantastic tabloid fodder when they inevitably fuck up.
|Hot swimmer - Andrew Lauterstein|
U – Useless. Today we should also celebrate everything we are useless at, like science and winter sports. We are shocking at hip-hop, chess, porn and cheap housing. Our use of the English language is also appalling… “Where the bloody hell are ya?”, say no more.
S – Speedos. I don’t care what anyone says, Speedos should be celebrated and revered as a national icon. Everyone looks good in a Speedo. I grew up in them and still proudly wear them today. Lifeguards, triathletes, body-builders, all the cool-kids wear them.
T – Testosterone. We are a very butch country. We like it rough, we pride ourselves on it. Camping, the outback, adventure sports, football, the great Aussie larrikan – all very butch. Me, I hate all those things and am as camp as Xmas, very un-Australian of me I know. I’ll butch it up for today only.
R – Reality Television. We are brilliant at this, and we LOVE it! MasterChef, Big Brother, Australian Idol, The Block, Australia’s Next Top Model – it is un-Australian not to love reality shows. I bet more people vote for reality winners than the Federal election. Sorry Julia, up against Guy Sebastian or Julie Goodwin you’d come up short.
|Reality television rocks!|
A – Alcohol. This really doesn’t require explanation. I bet 90% of you reading this have already had a drink today. And as you should! That’s what Australia Day is all about.
L – Long weekends. We have them evenly spread across the year so that we never have to go too long without a 3 day weekend. We then jump at the chance to extend! All the big events are on Long Weekends – Sleaze Ball, AFL Grand Final, music festivals, etc. Its our god-given right to have 3 day weekends.
I – Idiots. We luuuurrve Idiots. People like Shane Warne, the Chk Chk Boom girl, Corey Worthington, Lara Bingle + most WAGS, Schapelle Corby and Sam Newman. We love them because they make us feel smarter. They make us get all self-congratulatory because we’ve never done anything that dumb ourselves.
A – Aerogard. There’s nothing we can’t conquer with Aerogard by our side. We are a land infested by bugs and insects but with Aerogard life continues as normal. Pool-parties, BBQ’s, sports events – Aerogard gets us through it all. I even put it on before I go to bed, and its not to keep Boyfriend away. Forget boat-people, mozzies are Australia’s worst enemy.
So that’s my little celebration of our great country on our national day. Hope you have a brilliant Australia Day with your friends and family.
And have a drink for me!
*In hindsight I think I should have made it rhyme somehow. Oh well, will work on that for next Australia Day.