Australia Day! A 5th Class Poem.

Today we will all be celebrating in our own special way what Australia means to us. My guess is that most people will either be boozing with friends in the sun or too hungover from last night to do anything! It’s very Australian to take full advantage of a public holiday. Today I will be pulling out my much-loved Aussie Flag from my ‘dress-ups bag’ and I will wear it with great pride, just like I did during 2000 Olympics. Boyfriend and I are off to a BBQ at the home of friends who dare to live in the Inner West, it will be a joyous celebration of Aussie-ness! But more about that on Friday…

As befitting my intellectual maturity, today I am penning a Year 5 Poem to celebrate all that should be important to Australians. I’m sure there is a technical term for such a classic form of literature, but for me it’s how we wrote poems in 5^th Class so that’s what I’m calling it.

What Australia Means To Me – A Year 5 Poem.

By St. Murphy

A – Athletes. As a nation we produce a disproportionate number of world class althletes – a lot of them are very hot (Swimmers) or very dumb (NRL). They are our heroes, our inspiration, and fantastic tabloid fodder when they inevitably fuck up.

Hot swimmer - Andrew Lauterstein

U – Useless. Today we should also celebrate everything we are useless at, like science and winter sports. We are shocking at hip-hop, chess, porn and cheap housing. Our use of the English language is also appalling… “Where the bloody hell are ya?”, say no more.

S – Speedos. I don’t care what anyone says, Speedos should be celebrated and revered as a national icon. Everyone looks good in a Speedo. I grew up in them and still proudly wear them today. Lifeguards, triathletes, body-builders, all the cool-kids wear them.

T – Testosterone. We are a very butch country. We like it rough, we pride ourselves on it. Camping, the outback, adventure sports, football, the great Aussie larrikan – all very butch. Me, I hate all those things and am as camp as Xmas, very un-Australian of me I know. I’ll butch it up for today only.

R – Reality Television. We are brilliant at this, and we LOVE it! MasterChef, Big Brother, Australian Idol, The Block, Australia’s Next Top Model – it is un-Australian not to love reality shows. I bet more people vote for reality winners than the Federal election. Sorry Julia, up against Guy Sebastian or Julie Goodwin you’d come up short.

Reality television rocks!

A – Alcohol.  This really doesn’t require explanation. I bet 90% of you reading this have already had a drink today. And as you should! That’s what Australia Day is all about.

L – Long weekends. We have them evenly spread across the year so that we never have to go too long without a 3 day weekend. We then jump at the chance to extend! All the big events are on Long Weekends – Sleaze Ball, AFL Grand Final, music festivals, etc. Its our god-given right to have 3 day weekends.

I – Idiots. We luuuurrve Idiots. People like Shane Warne, the Chk Chk Boom girl, Corey Worthington, Lara Bingle + most WAGS, Schapelle Corby and Sam Newman. We love them because they make us feel smarter. They make us get all self-congratulatory because we’ve never done anything that dumb ourselves.

Corey who...???

A – Aerogard. There’s nothing we can’t conquer with Aerogard by our side. We are a land infested by bugs and insects but with Aerogard life continues as normal. Pool-parties, BBQ’s, sports events – Aerogard gets us through it all. I even put it on before I go to bed, and its not to keep Boyfriend away. Forget boat-people, mozzies are Australia’s worst enemy.

So that’s my little celebration of our great country on our national day. Hope you have a brilliant Australia Day with your friends and family.

And have a drink for me!

*In hindsight I think I should have made it rhyme somehow. Oh well, will work on that for next Australia Day.