Only besties can get away with "You look fat in that!"

Yesterday was a great day spent shopping with besties Miss Cal and Lucky Paulie. Miss Cal and I are almost due our 20year long service after first sharing a dorm at Uni. Lucky Paulie and I just clocked up our 10 years after being the last men standing at a work Xmas party near the turn of the century. She’s our No. 1 Poof Princess (so much nicer than Fag Hag) and we’re her gay-boyfriends. Miss Cal is a PR/Comms maven and Lucky Paulie is a polished Newsman – both very smart, very savvy, and a little bit funny.

They have both successfully carved out their own personal style. Miss Cal is currently going through a jumpsuit and parachute pants obsession. Like all smart, sexy women she plays her body perfectly, although I think she could be getting her boobs out a little more. Lucky Paulie is a walking, talking Marcs catalogue. He’s kept them in business for years. He absolutely loves a dress shirt our LP and no one owns more. They both know exactly which stores to go to, what’s a decent price and where the best food courts are.

Hats are big this season.

I love shopping but strangely I’m not very good at it. I naturally want to try on and buy what all the cool-kids are wearing - never with any success. My midget legs and ballooning stomach make anything termed ‘Slim’ a pipe-dream. So with the much-needed help of Miss Cal and Lucky Paulie I was desperate to unload some Xmas vouchers that were burning a hole in my wallet.


Jeans were a must as all mine have holes in the crotch from my meaty thighs rubbing together. Miss Cal and I have a poor history of buying denim together starting with an incident in Satch Women many years ago when I allegedly boomed “I see what you mean, hard to find jeans that look good on you”. The whole shop heard and she’s never forgiven me. She helped me with a Nudie jean purchase some months back, didn't go so well, they make me look like I have a vagina.

We tackled jeans first with Miss Cal in the changeroom with me – that’s how we roll – and the very first pair I tried on were GOLD. Most importantly they made my package look huge! Purchase. Lucky Paulie was of course in the shirt section trying to find a variation on stripe or stripe. He went with a lovely new check, very smart. Miss Cal landed a hot little jumpsuit for summer cocktails and the purchase of the day – a mini-kaftan in a beautiful print (ideal for upcoming Aussie Day BBQ). Me, after some dodgy advice I tried on some preppy gingham-like shirts before we all acknowledged it’s just not me and I should continue to dress like a wannabe 19yo. Bingo! Polo and ‘urban’ shirt.

But as always with us the day was all about food. We planned the shopping around the eating – Westfield & David Jones / Lunch / Mid-City / Afternoon tea / Myer. Miss Cal is very particular about her food, she loves it all. A yum cha lunch at Sky Pheonix was sensational and for afternoon tea we went with some much-hyped salty caramel macaroons. There was a very tense moment when Miss Cal learnt there were only two salty caramels left – she’d planned on a take-away box for home. We sampled 6 and then convinced ourselves the walk to Domain carpark burnt them off.

Afternoon tea

You should only ever go shopping with your besties. Makes it all so much easier and so much fun. You can all be brutally honest with each other which is exactly what you need when clothes shopping. If anyone else said to me "you look fat in that", especially boyfriend, I’d bitch-slap them. At one shop Lucky Paulie and I sat on a lovely couch outside Miss Cal’s changeroom and scored her outfits like the judges at the diving. Now that’s what besties are for.  It’s just a shame I went up a jeans size from all the food.

My purchases