Wardrobe disasters and your love life

On Friday night I had a very Sex & The City experience. I had dinner with four lovely ladies – two old friends, two new. There was a little bit of cheese eating, more than enough bbq cevapcici sausages, a great deal of pinot gris and a whole lotta gossiping. It was hy-steri-cal! I did feel like a bit of an intruder though, mainly because of the penis I take with me everywhere.

Straight women are a lot more like gay men than even I thought. The hot topic for the night was boys, boys, boys. Dating, sex, wardrobe, sport – we covered it all. I was intrigued. I was particularly fascinated by the details of a new relationship one of my dining partners was enjoying. They have had a number of lovely dates with more planned for the future. Everything was on track for ‘getting to know each other better, lets see where this goes’. Except there was one problem.

What I think 'mandles' are. 

The man in question has a questionable wardrobe, in particular a pair of ‘mandles’. Now this was a term I was not familiar with. It’s a man-sandle and that I understand. The potential boyfriend was wearing them far to regularly and the debate was should she say something. Female opinion – wait to see where the relationship is going before you subtly work on his footwear. Gay opinion – I can’t believe you haven’t made fun of them already, set fire to them immediately. She certainly shouldn’t be seen out at all with a man in mandles, especially on a date.

But who am I to judge? Well, yes, the gays are very good at judging. On reflection though there have been some items in my wardrobe that range from laughable to hideous and now I’m wondering if I’ve lost friends or a shag over them. When I think about the lime green satin low-cut pants I used to wear on fabulous nights out I’m sure they ruined any chance of a pick-up. I thought they were heaven up until I found them in my cupboard years later. I can not describe how awful they were. And if I remember correctly I used to wear a purple lycra top with them. I’m judging myself hard.

I remember when Summer used to be all about sleeveless t’s. I had a favourite that was red and blue with a cartoon of a hotrod car on the front with “Wheels Of Hell” emblazoned on it. I wore it at least once a weekend for 3 months. It was practically a midriff. I had a boyfriend at the time and I ache to know now what he thought of it. With my gut hanging out, the gangly white arms and the kiddie cartoon I can only guess? I wish I still had “Wheels Of Hell” so I could give it to my 2 year old nephew.

'Wheels Of Hell' was something like this

One of the perks of my job a few years ago was raiding the freebies that were sent to actors. If clothes didn’t fit them I’d make them fit me. I scored a pair of jeans that were a foot too long and practically flares WITH bleach splashes. Far too edgy and cool for me. I rolled them up and wore them with pride. With the benefit of hindsight I looked like a clown. 2004 was a lonely year and I blame those jeans.

I’m changing my opinion on the mandles. If you want to wear mandles than that’s your god given right. And if you think you look hot in them than who am I to judge. I’m actually now thinking the mandles should be teamed with some lime green satin pants and “Wheels Of Hell” for a stunning look this Summer. Look past the mandles my new friend and lets hope love blossoms.

Yep, I looked like a clown.