Charlie Sheen, you need me!

I am completely obsessed with the Charlie Sheen SAGA! I‘ve been on the edge of my seat as the drama, and the hookers, unfold. It has been BRILLIANT!!! Just when you think the whole thing can’t get any tackier out he comes on radio with what will go down in history as one of the all-time-great, career-suicide tirades.

It’s 18mins of Pure Audio Gold!

Why aren’t health professionals screaming for him to be commited? He is obviously a small baby step away from Anne-Heche-Crazy. Some of the lines he uses in this jumbled mess of an interview are pure gold. And more than slightly disturbing. “I will murder with great violence” but because he is the star of highest rating sitcom this is apparently fine. WINNING!

Charlie Sheen 'winning'

Truth be known, I am desperate to be his publicist. How much fun would that be! And I’m serious. The drama of it all, and the complete weirdness, would be intoxicating. Running joke at work is that I am only good in a crisis, rest of the time just plain average. Well this is a crisis I’d love to get my teeth into. If for no other reason it would be hilarious. Definitely funnier than Two And A Half Men ever was.

Imagine Charlie’s poor, long-suffering publicist if they were sitting in on this interview. Publicity 101 is to keep your client as far away as possible from media when they are even slightly unhinged – so I can only presume there was no publicist involved. But can you imagine if they were there when he erupted with that psychotic rant; they would have doubled over in grief, spilt their Diet Coke, potentially even dropping their sacred Blackberry. That’s how dire this interview is. This would have been a “life flashes before your eyes” moment for any semi-decent publicist.

So all my publicity juices are flowing over this one, and then comes the next instalment. Charlie Sheen on A Current Affair last night. Best thing I can say about it – Charlie had great eyebrows. The worst thing, why the hell are his people still letting him do interviews? I just don’t get it. Its almost like someone is playing a nasty joke on poor little Charlie. This is not how you win back your job or endear yourself to a very judgemental public. Someone get the man a Xanax, he needs to calm the hell down.

His open hatred for Chuck Lorre and CBS is palpable. But still he says Series 9 will go ahead. It kinda sounds like this is the crazy man’s version of Gillard and Abbott hosting a chat show together – NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. Yes we all know there is a lot of money at stake but surely you couldn’t bank on Mr Sheen staying sane, sober or upright. If he was working in his current manic state the writers would need to double his lines just so they can fill the 30mins.

So every natural publicity instinct in me would be to shut this down, keep him away from the world – no good can come of this. Fake rehab, apologise, beg for forgiveness and pledge yourself to god! That’s how Americans get themselves out of a PR crisis. Or became a lesbian. But Charlie is obviously pulling the strings so I fear this runaway train of a story has a few more stops yet. 

And I can’t wait!

I'd just finished bashing this out when I remembered @PipRMB had shot through to me an article from The Hollywood Reporter. Take a look, it seems all publicists are on the same page. The legendary Pat Kingsley, famously fired by Tom Cruise, says it best... “If he doesn’t think he has a problem, he probably doesn’t need a publicist.”


And why wasn't I invited to the Publicists’ Guild Annual Luncheon on Friday at the Beverly Hilton?


NEWS ALERT: It's 9.05am and I already have to update the Sheen Saga with two absolute gems...


The first is an interview with TMZ, best quotes from it here.


And the next is his interview with ABC News here.


CHARLIE, I BEG OF YOU! STOP SPEAKING!!!!!!!!