The Baby-Sitters Club: The Woogettes

Would you trust me with your children?

Would you trust me to babysit your children?

Would you trust JoThornely and I to babysit your children together?

Now I’m guessing there are varying degrees to your response, starting with “You’ve got to be f*%king kidding” through to “But who’s babysitting you and Jo”. All fair responses. Considering I’ve never babysat for my own family, who know me best, I can’t say I wholly disagree with you.

As I say to all my family, “call me when they are 16 and I’ll take them to their first nightclub”. I know I’m much better with older kids rather than younger. I think it may be part of the gay gene, I lack maternal skills. But once of age I’ll be sure to be a good influence. Same with JoThornely, we are both committed non-breeders.

So you may find it startling that our dear friends Mr and Mrs Woog left us in charge of their two young charges. To be honest, I’m not sure how it came about, but JoThornely and I jumped at the chance to give the Woogs the night off so they could enjoy a quiet dinner together. Their two boys Jazz Hands and Harry are very famous to Woogsworld readers, they would be 5 and 7 (that’s a guess, I’m not good with this sort of thing) and delightful opposites in every way.

Mrs Woog left us with a fully stocked fridge and a pizza menu, was just like being at home! We kick-started the evenings entertainment with Uno. Lucky we were warned Jazz Hands was fiercely competitive, he was all over it like a rash. Harry’s a strategic thinker and cleaned up the first two games. JoThornely picked up the next two only to be trounced by Jazz Hands in the last. By this stage Harry and I were bored and already watching Disney Channel, my favourite.

Jazz Hands then ducked off so he could rehearse his concert for us. Harry, the absolute host with the most, made sure that JoThornely and I were warm and comfortable and brought us blankets and pillows. He also found me a much desired Diet Coke; Harry can do anything, his an absolute prince. He is the most considerate young man in the world. He went to the trouble of writing and cutting out place tags for us so we knew where to sit on the lounge. Cutest thing ever.

Jazz Hands had prepared four numbers for us – A Katie Perry, two Christina Aguilera and a show-stopping Beyonce to finish. He looked stunning and danced like a young Baryshnikov. There was some jazz, some tango, even some marching. There were moments of modern-interpretive and his shimmy was one of the best I’ve ever seen. Twice he began is routine in a Gaga egg pose. Now I know Jazz Hands is a mere child but he has a special gift. I guarantee you that one day JoThornely and I will be bragging that back in 2011 Jazz Hands gave us a private performance to Crazy In Love. A star is born, I kid you not.

Side note. At one point Jazz Hands was arabesquing in the bedroom and Harry was watching motorsport on television. So reminded me of my brother and I! Me in front of the mirror performing for a pretend audience of 1000’s, while Bro was watching sport and dreaming of his first motorbike. Ahhh… brothers can be polar opposites but will always be brothers.

JoThornely and I easily slipped into a good cop / bad cop routine, obviously me being the more adorable one I was good cop. Their poor cat Chuy suffered the most cause he is thrown about like a ragdoll by the Woogettes. Now we both have allergies to cats so Prince Harry went searching for some medicine. When the grown-ups pizza arrived, Prince Harry ran and brought us plates. So cute, I could learn a lot from him about hosting guests.

Mr and Mrs Woog arrived home just as we had whipped their boys up into a frenzy. Just in time for Mum and Dad to put them to bed. Hahahaha, exact reason why JoThornely and I have decided not to be parents – we are much better at being a fabulous uncle or aunt. We rock on in, cause havoc, and leave a mess for the parents to clean up.

It was the most fun I've had on the north side of the bridge since the Berry St Tavern in the 90's. I’m now actually thinking I’m quite a good babysitter and available for hire. Especially when the kids are as cute, considerate and as full of personality as the Woogettes. And, of course, I’d like a Beyonce number.