Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Last minute holiday and man-kini panic...

I’m in the throws of a last-minute holiday panic! While holidays are the most brilliant, amazing thing in the world – especially resort holidays! – I always find that there is a shitload of stuff to do in the final days so that you are holiday ready. And man-kini ready!
Resort 1
First of all there’s the longer-term prep. I’m just days away from 2 weeks of sunning myself poolside with a cocktail in hand on the islands of Thailand (I know, tough life!) so for a resort holiday like this I need atleast 3 downloaded TV series and 4 books. Finally my books arrived today and I’m just getting a start on iTunes. But how dumb is this, I bought the York crib notes of The Great Gatsby rather than the actual book. Guess it makes for easier reading.

Next up is the man-scaping. To be exposing your body in the briefest of Speedo’s like I’m about to requires significant self-maintenance. Yes, I’m gay. I really should have concentrated on weight-loss some months ago but I got distracted. Nothing I can do about my gut-overhang now. Instead I’m going to disguise it with a full-body clipper for easier tanning and a touch-up eyebrow wax.

Which reminds me… need to pack nail clippers.

Now I can be incredibly anal and I like to know where, when and how I am doing everything before I head off. Staying at 3 different resorts so bookmarked all their websites today for a thorough examination. My beautiful friend Miss Melbourne, who I am holidaying with, has expertly booked the whole trip. No one knows how to resort-holiday better than Miss M. So I have some catching up to do with insider knowledge.
Resort 2
I like to prioritise hotel restaurants and also beauty treatments at their day spas. I consider this critical. I’m not one for wasting time reading hotel room info packages when it can all be done beforehand. I also like to know something about the local nightlife cause you never know when a beautiful dinner followed by a Duty Free nightcap can turn into a night of disco-dancing. And it goes without saying I like to know when the gays hang.

Always my last minute panic will include the boring and mundane household shit. So much washing, cleaning and setting of the IQ. I have enough trouble taking care of Man Pit and Little Sammy when I’m here let alone when I’m not. Good thing I have Little Sammy’s step-dad on stand-by, he will take my little man. Bills are paid and up-to-date, and I’ve cancelled PT. Just have to remember to deoderise the carpet as I exit Man Pit so it doesn’t smell like a kennel when I get back.

Last, last, lucky last thing I do before a holiday is go shopping. Usually at one of my favourite stores in the world – PRICELINE! You need your sunscreen, your giant pack of Nurofen Plus, spare ventolin, Zantac, Nicobate Lozenges, deodorant, blah blah blah. This is a full shopping basket skip around Priceline. Nothing worse than being stuck in a foreign country and not having enough mouthwash.

Anyone feeling sorry for Miss M?

Luckily she knows me oh so well after many, many years of friendship. She is Inner Circle. Strangely we’ve never travelled together before but we know it is going to be the easiest thing in the world. Our benchmark is ‘hung-over days’ and we do them brilliantly together. So in-tune. We famously move the mattress from the bed to in front of the tv and always stock up on supplies the day before so we don’t have to move. We are going to travel BRILLIANTLY together.
Resort 3
So I will be telling many tales about Miss M over the coming weeks. I’ve decided, for no particular reason, to changer her name. A bit like Prince does. Miss M will now be known as Lady M, like an upgrade. Maybe one day she will become known as ‘artist formerly know as Miss M’ but from today she is Lady M.

I promise our adventures in Thailand will entertain. 

All this 'work' is so gonna be worth it even for just 5 mins poolside. It's been a looooooong year!

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