Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Dirty Filthy Pig!

*** WARNING! This post may contain unhygienic material and coarse filthiness!

I disgust myself. I’ve started to wallow in my own filth at Man Pit.

Was driving home from Mrs Woog’s tonight (a lovely lamb shank with a Vodka Cruiser chaser!) thinking I’m going to do a post about the decline of my cleanliness standards. Since ‘the break-up’ and moving into Man Pit 5 months ago I’ve slowly regressed from extremely house proud to little-piggy-like behaviour.

So I walked in the door and the shit has hit the fan. My goddamn dogs had pulled the garbage bags (yes, plural) off the kitchen counter and spread dirty smelly rubbish throughout Man Pit.

I started screaming like a banshee!! Using the foulest language. My poor neighbours.

Absolutely vile. Dirty little fuckers.

Banished to the balcony with a swift kick up their doggy-asses.

Devo after just thinking about how lazy I’d become I’d come home to knee-deep filth. So upset. So smelly.

Dog food scraps, meat trays, cigerette butts, smashed Belvedere bottle – thank god it was empty or I’d be wearing a Cocker Spaniel coat to work tomorrow. Had to get down on my knees and scrap it all off the carpet.

One of the reasons Man Pit has been so dirty is that I am too lazy to buy new bags for my vacuum cleaner. In fact, I don’t have a clue where to buy them from. Had to make do, turned the chockers full vac on and it blew more dirt everywhere. Cried.

Pass me a knife and run me a warm bath, life should not be like this. I AM TOO GLAMOROUS TO HAVE TO CLEAN, SURELY!

This bachelor life certainly has its downsides. I don’t have a cleaner cause I’m trying to be mildly economical. Besides, Man Pit is a ½ bedroom sized apartment, surely I can take care of it myself. It is now apparent I can’t.

The other thing with living on your own is that you don’t have to impress anyone or keep anyone else happy. So for me its fine to use my hotplates as the garbage bag holder – they certainly aren’t used for anything else. I only get concerned about the inch thick dog hair on the floor when I know I’m having guests. Not sure what the colour of the bathroom sink is meant to be.

Holy hell, I am revolting.

Too make matters worse I have both sons staying with me at the moment and Jackson is a terror. It is he who would have pulled the rubbish down, just like it was him who tore my pantry apart a week ago. My little Sammy is too small to do both which is why he is the perfect Man Pit housemate. Hurry home Other Daddy so you can have Jackson back at your place. Jackson, I love you, but two dogs and one slovenly dog-owner is too much for Man Pit!

It’s tough being a single parent with two kids.

Sadly, I can't blame my car on the boys, that ones all me. Especially the McDonalds wrappers.

I think I need to start looking for a boyfriend/cleaner.

1 comment:

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