Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Just a table for 1 thanks.

I’m having a lot of trouble writing this. This is the fourth time I’ve started this post. Normally this blogging thing comes quite easily to me but this one has been a real struggle.

I absolutely loved my little holiday in Bangkok, loved it so much it’s hard to put into words. I know why I loved it but its kinda tough sharing. It was momentous on a quite a personal level (yes, I know how wanky that sounds...). It’s not just the city itself, which is truly amazing, but for me I made two huge breakthroughs, which has left me on top of the world.

Without really knowing it was weighing heavily on me, I realised while I was away that I am going to be absolutely fine on my own. It’s only been a few months since ‘the break-up’ and I thought I had been doing really well. But I arrived in Bangers and had a bit of a meltdown the first few days…

“What the fuck have I done? Why did I think I could do things like this on my own?”

This culminated in me waking up on my birthday filled with absolute dread that I was spending the day on my own and the only conversations I would have would be with shop assistants and waiters.

Thankfully I checked in on Facebook and Twitter which made me feel so special – thank god for social media. Then I got all depressed again that I was so far from home and alone on my birthday, which ironically was actually the whole purpose of the trip.

“What the fuck were you thinking Steven? Why did you think you were up for this?”

Bolstered by the b’day messages the day turned out to be very cool and for the first time I did a Table for 1 restaurant booking. (By the end of the week I was very, very good at this! In fact I did it every remaining night.) Got myself suitably drunk for my b’day while trying to decide if I should go out to celebrate - did my head in on this one. Eventually fell asleep watching bad American sitcoms.

Woke up next day and was stupidly sad. Nothing worse than an empty king size bed when you are feeling sorry for yourself. Then still not sure from where, I got it in my head that if I’m going to be on my own than I really need to be ON MY OWN. For the last few months Twitter, Facebook and this blog have been my crutch to get me through. You are never alone when you are on social media. All those nights I’d spent physically alone at Man Pit I was surrounded by friends online. I needed to stop using my crutch. A self-imposed social media ban was the answer! Strangest thing, as soon as I made this decision my holiday became even more of a beautiful, wonderful thing.

I got high on feeling so independent and in control, and from feeling happy just being with me. I think this was the first time in a very long time.

“I can do this and I can have a fabulous time on my own.”

I suddenly felt so empowered. I also finally understood that I could do exactly what I wanted when I wanted which was very cool. More importantly, I also stopped feeling like I should be doing things just because I could or should – my second breakthrough! Just because you are on holidays doesn’t mean you need to cram it full of experiences. Even though you have an idea or plan in your head, if it’s not what you feel like doing than you shouldn't feel you have to. This has been a problem for me my whole life and it’s usually when I get myself into trouble. Hopefully not anymore.

So besides the amazing shopping, the beautiful food and the gorgeous people; Bangkok was so special because I feel it gave me more control of my life than I have ever had before. I feel very grown-up. I have a smile from ear to ear. I would never have guessed that being alone could do that. I feel like a light has been turned on in my head. After being surrounded by people and relationships my entire adult life you can hopefully understand why this is momentous for me. It’s certainly not a re-invention of the wheel, many will think me ridiculous, but for my personal experience this is a huge breakthrough.

“I am going to be absolutely fine on my own.”

** First person I spoke to about all this shit was my Ex. He's a good man. If anyone was going to understand it was him, and of course he got it completely.

** This one's all for me today so I've turned off the comments section. xoxo

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