I’m having issues with body hair. In the most
part because I am a ‘man of a certain age…’ and there just seems to be more of
it. The second reason is that now social occasions determine a certain hair aesthetic,
a cultural requirement.
These are the pressure I currently face.
Lets start from the top and work down. I’ll
stop at the belt line, cause I don’t want to have to use the term wippa-snipper
in this post.
Brows have been important to me since my
mid-20’s. This is when I quickly leanrt that a young-gay in Sydney should not
have just the one eyebrow. I was mocked endlessly when I first stepped onto
Oxford St for my monobrow. Cause I never went to gay-school I did not
understand this rule. Me, I’d been cruising through regional NSW as a straight
boy and no one had ever mentioned my massive,
ear-to-ear-with-no-break-in-the-middle eyebrow.
This is another example, of which there are
many, that gay men are held to higher standard than our straight brothers. The
second most obvious is the beer gut. Completely appropriate on all straight
men, it can even be sexy. The gayers will not stand for that. Its frowned upon.
I’ve seen people whisked off for emergency sit-ups at Fitness First before
their friends had to cull them.
Anyways, I digress.
I’m sure in the early days of having my
eyebrows waxed I could get away with every 3-4 weeks. Slowly over time this
became every three weeks. Well this year it is absolutely a maximum of 2 weeks.
I feel like I spend more time at ManKind than I do at work. Not that I am complaining,
I adore them. Especially my beautiful Ona who has never put a single tweezer
wrong in all the time she has been my brow manicurist.
But surely having to go every 2 weeks is
excessive! And don’t you dare suggest I should ‘maintain’ myself! If you knew
the strength required to pull one of those fuckers you’d know that this is
impossible. Ona is the only one who can do it.
Now in my weekly planner it is very clearly
marked that Mondays and Thursdays are shaving days. This is primarily because I
don’t care what I look like on Wednesdays or weekends. I’ve been shaving since
I was in Year 6 and nothing bores me more, and I mean nothing. I’d rather watch
repeats of The Nanny than shave.
This is where I get to ‘cultural body
hair’. Just in the nick of time yesterday morning before I applied my Clinique
shaving cream I remembered tonight! Phew. See tonight I have The Sculptor in
town again and we’re going to a gathering of Bears. The Sculptor has taught me
that they do not trust or like anyone without facial hair and there is nothing
I hate more than being ostracized or getting the dresscode wrong. So I’m full
hairy Bear for the night.
But here’s the contradiction. I have a
dance party thing, Daywash, to go to on Sunday which will be full of the buff and the beautiful
and you can bet your life there will not be a hairy chest amongst them. So
while I’m thinking ‘thank god I remembered not to shave’ I’m also thinking
‘Where are the Remingtons, I need to trim down that chest’. There are different
hair rules for every occasion.
Not mine, but a Stunt Double |
I have to admit I’m not so opposed to
clippering my chest though, for two reasons. The first, and most importantly,
is that my chest is the only body part so far to sprout some grey hairs. And
they look horrific. Only when I’m wearing a low-cut blouse does anyone notice.
Chances are I’ll be topless most of the day so I need to trim those fuckers
back.
The second is that a clippered body makes
you look more defined. Not sure how or why, it just does. You want take off a
few kilos than No.1 clipper all over your torso. I’ve been meaning to go to the
gym for a few months to be ready for this party but I kept forgetting/sleeping/eating.
So now I still have the body of Marshmallow Man so the clippering will at least
help a little bit. I’ll be more Sumo than Marshmallow after a once over with
the Remington.
So not only am I getting hairier and greyer
but there seem to be more rules to follow. What I should just do is become a
straight man and not have to worry about any of this shit.
Hahahahaha. It'd be a cold day in hell....
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