Four days of Feral.

Lady M and I went feral in Kho Tao. Washing, brushing, hair product, deoderant all became optional extras. To show how feral, this was our conversation on our final night.

“Lets get all posh for our final night, get all dressed up and wear underwear and a t’shirt.”

“Yeh, lets get all dressed up. Why don’t we even wash our hair!”

See so things got a little feral in Kho Tao. But we were just going with the flow, it’s that sort of place.

Kho Tao is basically a fishing village in the middle of bum-fuck no-where that has a beautiful beach and even better weather. But it’s a flight and a 3 hour ferry ride to get to from any major city. So tourism is slow on the uptake here. It’s the place you go when you want to cut yourself off from the world, isolate yourself, and it is truly brilliant.

It’s full of gorgeous German and Scandinavian backpackers, wannabe divers and the rejects from The Only Way Is Essex. All young. And everyone is ridiculously tanned, and I mean EVERYONE.  I think once people get there they can’t be bothered leaving again. Or wearing clothes. Formal dressing for most means putting on a singlet. And of course there’s the incredibly friendly locals who’d do anything to keep you happy and spending your cash.

There are no resorts, none of the chain hotels. Lady M has been a few times before so she is practically an expert. She booked us into these huts where you had to specify that you wanted hot water, television and a toilet. We had the posh huts in the posh resort. We found a frog in our bathroom. The shower only had one tap. There was no roof above the shower. The television only intermittently worked. Wifi was slower than Cliff Young.

But you just give yourself over to this place. Embrace it. We spent our days just laying around in the sun, reading good books. We’d stroll along the beach the 400m into town to get lunch, stroll back for some more sun. Afternoon nap before heading back into town for cheap as shit massages, more food and cocktails.  Talk about recharging the batteries.

The food was unbelievable. Seriously unbelievable. Now I love a curry and these were the best I’d ever eaten. And just such simple food. If these restaurants were anywhere else in the world I would never step into them. But they were amazing. And so cheap. Each night the two of us would dine with cocktails and it would be less that $AUD10 - FOR THE TWO OF US!!! Unbelievable.

So I’ve had my head massaged, my feet (numerous times), a back/shoulder/head combo, full body oil and full body Thai. One place we went to literally left us bruised but you can’t really complain for $8. In fact I still have a sore neck from that woman, she was 4 foot 5 but with the strength of the Thai army. Lady M was shell-shocked after hers, she’s a delicate flower. She is from Melbourne.

If only they knew we probably hadn’t showered or brushed our teeth in days. Too unhygienic to be touched.

The absolute highlight was the final night. We’d been such nanna’s ‘recharging’ that we were in bed by 10pm most nights. We wanted to cut loose and stay out till midnight!  There’s all these beach bars set up with bean bags and cushions where they serve cocktails by the bucket – not even joking.  We got prime position cause us nanna’s got there so early so we were suitably drunk but the time the party kicked in. And the fire-twirlers.

So much fun pretending we were 24 again. I was completely overdressed wearing a t’shirt but still we made friends. Well, Lady M did. She made friends with a complete wanker English toff who it turns out was on Australian Princess. He said he couldn’t come to Australia cause he was so hated, he knows cause he Googles himself. Lady M goes “No, not at all. No one would know who your are.” SHUT HIM DOWN.

I was obsessed with the fire-twirlers. Especially when they took off their shirts. Sexually frustrated much? I took about 1000 photos. May have been because they were so damn cute or it could’ve been the 20 Sea Breeze’s. By the end of the night Lady M and I were so sure they could win Thailand’s Got Talent.

We stumbled back down the beach just after midnight – thank god we could find our hut, a small miracle considering they all look the same. We were very self-congratulatory about being so wild and crazy and staying out past 12. When Lady M I first met we’d go home after Day 2. We’re so mature now. We may not wear underwear but we no when to call it quits.

Poor Lady M though. She had the dreaded south-east Asian bad prawn and became more ridiculously ill than I’d ever seen anyone. Hit her like a ton of bricks. And the worst of it was that we had to get on a boat in crazy winds for the 3 hour trek back to Koh Samui. The good part was she was so exhausted she passed out. She slept through 40% of the boat vomiting! It was truly hideous. Everyone from the kids to the German lesbians were throwing up. I found solace on the top of the boat and it was a truly beautiful ride from there. This part of the world is STUNNING!!!!!

So now we are back in Koh Samui. Back in the lap of luxury in a 5 Star resort where I believe we rightfully belong. We’ve showered, cleansed, brushed, moisturised, plucked, flossed, deoderised and buffed ready for the mean competition of day bed position selection.

Yep, we’re having a real tough time this holiday.

P.S. Lady M bounced back in under 16 hours from her food poisoning! Nothing two swims, a club sandwich and a massage couldn't fix. She did avoid seafood on the menu tonight though.