My Gaydar is Shit!

For a professional homosexual I have shocking gaydar!

Gaydar is the alleged sixth sense of the hummersexuals to quickly, and without embarrassment, determine if they have a chance of bedding their fellow man. It is a skill that the hummersexuals are trained in from their very early days on Oxford St. Learning to use your gaydar is akin to straight people learning how to pub-pash on the dancefloor.

But what exactly is gaydar? Well, it’s very difficult to describe. It’s a weird mix of body language and lightening quick judgements. It can involve a visual assessment of wardrobe, grooming and styling. Voice also plays a key role, and you can also garner a lot of information from touch. All the senses really! Most importantly it is the feeling that you get when you sense someone is imagining you naked.

Badly tuned gaydar, they had to go camping for weeks before working it out!

Good gaydar is key to a hummersexuals survival. It is a vital weapon in our arsenal to ensure that mating takes place. And as you will be very aware, the hummersexual is dead keen to mate as much as possible. Good gaydar assists greatly in satisfying the purely physical needs of the hummersexual. But it is also crucial in matters of the heart. There is nothing worse, and I speak very authoratively on the subject, than the hummersexual falling in love with the dreaded straight man. Can only end in tears, heartbreak and morbidly embarrassing drunken moments.

Another reason a finely-tuned gaydar is required is that despite the modern stereotype, the hummersexual now comes in every shape, form and dress-code. Gone are the days when a tight pant, a sleeveless T and a distinct lisp were a clear and definitive indicator you had a chance of mating. Now it’s as confusing as hell as everyone from your accountant to the truckie you just side-swiped can be a hummer. There are even straights who like Gaga. Geography used to also be a dead give-away – a single man living in 2010 was a certain hummer, now they are spread out all over the entire city like rabbits.

Gone are the days of this stereotype

My gaydar is completely out of whack. I think the reason is that I relaxed, dropped my guard, and turned it off for a few years. My skills turned rusty. I used to be proud that I could spot a hummer at 100 paces, now I’m lucky to know for sure unless they lick my face (which happens oh so rarely!). When you are in a relationship you don’t need to know which are the hummers cause you ain’t looking for a shag 24/7 like the single hummer. Now I’m back on the market I find I’m constantly confused.

So now that I have my single-gay-man training wheels back on I need to play it real safe. If I stick to the hummer-hotspots I can’t go so wrong. Stonewall (smells like vomit), Arq (too fat to get up on the podium), Nevermind (15years too old to get past security) or my favourite despite my recent fall, The Imperial (where normal, more mature gays go to dance to Kylie). At these place I can surely cope with my under-performing gayer.

My beloved Imperial Hotel

For the moment I am not brave enough to test my gaydar outside of these comfort zones. Having said that, I’ve never been one of those hummers that picks up on public transport or on Level 2 of David Jones in the city. I always wished I was that sort of gay but even at the peak of my hummer powers this was not something that St. Murphy could pull off (no pun intended). Now that the kryptonite of middle-age has diminished my ablities somewhat I need to rely on the dimmed lights of a crowded bar and my witty, intellectual repertoire to lure any possible prey.

That is until I re-establish and fine-tune my gaydar again then watch out shopping centres and sporting events – this hummer will be back in the game!