I’ve had a religious experience! His name was Christian.

I’ve been touched by an angel!

Well I’m not sure if he actually touched me but he did hand my credit card back to me so that’s pretty close. Ahhh, it was a beautiful moment.

Christian (pre his new honey highlights)

Let me paint the picture...

Saturday morning I was revolting and foul. Snot and phlegm from head to toe, still wearing my tracksuit pants and baseball cap. I was sick as a dog with the Man-Flu and feeling very sorry for myself.

My houseguest, The Sculptor, and I both needed food and I also needed an armoury of vitamins so we dragged ourselves up to Kings Cross. I have an addiction to supplements so for all my supplementary needs I am a Gold Member of GNC. So in we walked to...

“Holy Shit, he is beautiful!”, I muttered to The Sculptor at a volume I deemed subtle. The boy behind the counter literally lit up the store. We made our way over to the walls of glorious pills and I got all flustered when he came over to help. For the life of me I couldn’t remember if I’d come to pick up some Vitamin C or a Toyota. I think I pointed to my dripping nose to explain my needs. Way to make a great impression St. Murphy!

Christian was using words that even I as a professional bullshit artist couldn’t fake an understanding of. I vaguely remember something about 'eating the leaves of your greens', but seriously who would eat anything green??? I just looked at him blankly. By this stage we were back at the counter when I noticed this mag in front of me…

Mag cover with Christian

“Is that you?”, I asked. Best sentence I’d put together since entering the store. He confirmed nonchalantly that yes, it was! I just stood there and bathed in the warm glow that is Christian. But before you think I’m a weird stalker... the thing about this boy was not necessarily that he was good-looking, which of course he was, but hot boys are a dime a dozen in the Eastern Suburbs. It was more that he RADIATED good-health. He literally glowed! His skin had a sheen to it for gods sake. I have never seen health personified like this before. It was startling, magnetic and disturbing all at the same time.

You too can have a body like Christian if you do his Kettle Ball Workout, but ask you,
what the hell is a kettle ball???

Now The Sculptor is a cynical man who pleasures in the darker side of life. He likes his men rough around the edges and with a beard. He had taken a quiet, silent step back so he didn’t suffer any sunburn from Christian. As soon as we stepped out of the store the conversation went something like this…

TS: Holy shit! What was that?

StM: Oh my god, it was like he was glowing.

TS: It was like looking into the sun.

StM: I didn’t hear a word he said.

The Sculptors theory was that Christian had never done a bad thing to his body in his life. He went as far as to suggest that he wouldn’t know what a carb tasted like. Fuck we amused ourselves with this for ages.

To celebrate Christian’s good health and prosperity, The Sculptor and I went to Pie Face to enjoy the things that we knew Christian didn’t. I love a good pie. I then doubled my supplement dose so that one day I can look like Christian without having to go to the gym, or stop drinking, or limit fried food.

Surely the GNC Gold Member card can get me that!

My magic wand!

UPDATE: In research for this insightful article (and not because I’m a dirty old perv!) I think I’ve found Christian’s website. It seems he’s a published author. He has since had some frosted tips. Shot it through to The Sculptor to get his feedback and this was his response…

“I was thinking this morning that if you had the chance to touch him you would see a vision of the future where he would be fighting off the 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse wearing ivory armour brandishing a sword of celery and a shield of isotopes.”

Sums it up perfectly! Sculptor, you are fucking hilarious!