Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Boring and exhausting...

Do you ever get bored with yourself? I do.

I also find myself exhausting sometimes. Boring and exhausting.

That’s how I find myself today. I’m having one of those days where if I was friends with someone like me I would have left the room. Sadly I can’t do that while my mind is in this body. Unless of course I could meditate but I did a course on that once and I wasn’t very good. Kept falling asleep.

And do you find that when you start to find yourself boring and exhausting that you become even more boring and exhausting. I think this is because once you are self-absorbed enough to find yourself boring and exhausting than you are self absorbed beyond repair.

I also think, and I have been thinking a lot, that this is also a by-product of living alone. Little Sammy is adorable but he really doesn’t talk back much. I can also be very lazy – I blame middle age – so I’m not terribly pro-active in organising weeknight activities. In fact, I tend to avoid them. I love to potter around my little Man Pit; fluff the pillows, do a load of washing with 3 items, iron my clothes for work the next day, these things give me great pleasure. I’m a pfaffer!

So I can get kinda stuck in my own head a lot. No wonder I’m bored and exhausted with myself. That would be enough to send anyone all Charlie Sheen.

The other reason I think I’m feeling like this today is that I am not one of those steady-as-he-goes, even-keeled, solid-as-a-rock sorta people. Just ask my ex Aschapelle? The highs are high and the lows are mute and boring. I had a weekend of highs highs highs, and I think after a period like that my mind and body needs lows lows lows to rebalance itself.

When I get around other people I get excited. Probably too excited. Often embarrassingly excited. And I’ve been this way since I was 4. I have an instinctual desire to be central to everything. Try and stop me, and if there is alcohol involved than it is uncontrollable. It can be scary. Just ask my party-pals on Friday night! Best of times brings about the worst of times. Such a high-spirited dedication to good times always brings about the most shocking of hangovers for me. Goodbye Saturday.

Saturday night was very mentally draining. Through my employer, some colleagues and I manned the food van for the homeless and disadvantaged. It’s so clichéd, but this really knocked me around. I’d done it once before but this time it was really intense. The experience was this weird mix of fear, sadness, anger, warmth, happiness, then sadness and fear all over again. I recommend everyone do it. To be completely honest, its for two polar opposite reasons… to make a small difference in some peoples lives who really need it, and to selfishly make you feel better about yourself and less guilty about your own luxury.

Sunday was about catching up with two of my oldest and dearest friends. Just lovely. And I love some good storytelling. That’s the best part about catching up with old friends. Goddamn the stories that the 3 of us have shared with each over the last 15 years would curdle milk, make your hairs stand on end and corrupt the devil. A little less risqué these days, but only a little. Ahhh… I just got all warm and fuzzy thinking about them.

I’m very aware of my own faults, of which I have many. Doesn’t mean I can control them unfortunately. This high/low routine has never been something I could manage well.

But I tell you, just even writing this shit down makes it all seem so less boring and exhausting. I feel much better. This blogging thing is very good for my mental health.

A cathartic post today.


Nicstar said...

Ugh I know what you mean about getting stuck in your own head so to speak. Its my downfall, especially as you say, living alone. At least if I have a thought about something and begin to verbalise it to someone else its then just left there. No matter how stupid it may even be. Left alone to my own thoughts, after two hours or so, suddenly its bigger/larger/completely different/a drama/etc. I have to get back to writing in my journal daily, just to get the thoughts out of my head! lol

At least you have your dog to talk to, even if he doesn't answer back in People Language. I've found myself talking to the tv, computer, teddy bear, photos, rubber duck before.... don't ask!

Elke Writes said...

Sometimes I can be so social when around that people, that I just crash and burn. Like have a great night out with so much energy and then I want to just sit around and be lazy and not talk to another human again.

Unless its through twitter.

edenland said...

I LOVE this post. Thank you for enlightening me on the correct spelling of the word "pfaffing." I've often wondered.

Sometimes I am so bored and restless and discontent with myself that I want to punch myself in the face.

Cannot wait to catch up with you in Melbs XXOO

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