Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Nothin' butt Shits and giggles.

I have warned you before, I am prone to over-sharing….

Ever since I got back from ProBlogger in Melbourne on Saturday I have had the most ferocious diarrhea. Even for me a new benchmark. At one point I was at the toilet every 15mins. I had to sleep with a drop sheet.

And gut-wrenching stomach cramps. Horrific. Thought I was about to rupture.
I love you, and your Missoni mat
Now the reason I feel comfortable sharing this story is I bet every person reading this will know EXACTLY what I am talking about. There ain’t nothin’ pretty about diarrhea! And it needs to be discussed. 

Diarrhea makes you feel so disgustingling dirty. It doesn’t matter how much Cottonelle you use or how much Domestos you spray around you still feel like you’ve bathed in whatever you just squirted out. At one point I considered Pine'O'Cleen'ing my ass.

And the sweating, combined with the squirting, just makes me feel even more dirty and disgusting. More disgusting than it would voting for Tony Abbot. Or catching a glimpse of an erect priest. Or stuck in a spa with Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson. Just revolting.

I’ve gone through 3 AirWick’s and 2 Dove Mens cause I am sure the smell still lingers long after the last flush. At one point, in the midst of gripping stomach cramps, I was dead sure it must have been smeared on me. Thankfully it wasn't. That would have been the end of me.
Thanks big guys, you got me through a tough time.
So here’s my theory on diarrhea – the actual dealing with the diarrhea makes having diarrhea so much more dramatic And ten times worse. And that you should be able to buy diarrhea kits at the chemist that come with lovely soft cleansing wipes, air freshener and toilet cleaner.

So of course I called my beautiful Doctor O who over the years has dealt with more embarrassing ailments from me than one poor man should have to suffer through. He’s poked, prodded and scraped near every organ in my body. I called Dr O cause he is the very best at dealing with my ‘boy who cried woof’ mentality.

I was certain he was going to tell me I have bowel cancer as this is how the darker, more vicious side of my mind works. I am rather fixated on cancer. A headache means I’ve got brain tumour. A grey hair means I’ve got cancer of the scalp. A toothache is sure to be gum cancer. Thank fuck, I’ve never had cancer. But I digress…

Turns out my ‘increasing susceptibility’ (yes, this kind of shit happens to me all the time, pun intended) to stomach bugs is due to the bacteria infection I had this time last year. Boring! That’s not even a time-off-work offense. What it does mean though is that I have to go through that whole testing process again, for about the 5th time in as many years, where you have to shit in a bowl, spoon it into cups and keep some of it in your fridge. Lucky I don’t keep food in there.

I also have to buy some probiotic over the internet. Wow! That's v. cool. Combines medical supplies with shopping. You just know this discovery is gonna get me into trouble.

But be thankful people, the Imodium Advanced and Buscopan Forte have finally kicked in now. It’s been hours since I’ve done the crazy-poo-dash. Thank god!

Now I just need someone to come round and industrial clean Man Pit's toilet.

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