Shit my pants!

So I’m sitting on a very small plane. We’re flying high above regional NSW. At any moment I could shit my pants.

I think this is the world’s smallest plane to ever take off from Mascot. Seriously, it is less than 2 metres wide. I am practically a midget but I can still reach out and touch the wall on the other side of the plane.

Every slight bump to me feels like we are tumbling out of the sky smack-bang into Dubbo or Parkes. The pilot seems a lovely chap, all four of us passengers have met him. He spoke to us on the mini-bus on the tarmac, yes a mini-bus shuttled us to our very small plane.

The pilot was also the one who handed us our in-flight snacks as we got on. He had an esky besides the stairs up in to the plane . God I wish I had got a photo of that. No one will ever believe me.

Snack from the esky.

Normally I absolutely love flying. In fact this is the first time I can remember since a Griffith to Sydney flight in ’88 that I have been petrified. In ’88 it was because of a ferocious storm. No storm today, just a very small plane.

Back to the snacks. I’d eaten them before I’d even put my belt on.

Laptop on lap cause there's no tray...

We’ve been flying now for about 40mins and I may lose circulation in my legs cause I have the belt so tight. Wouldn’t it be funny if I survived the flight but than fell down the plane’s small stairs cause I’d lost feeling in my legs.

Fuck. My stomach and heart just literally fell out. I swear we just plummeted 50m. Well, it certainly felt like it and I ain’t no drama queen.

Please please please let me survive!

Run to the light...

I have to admit though I have the best seat in the house. I am in the 10^th and final row and definitely have more leg room than all the other rows. Comes from a finely tuned, highly skilled flirting technique I’ve developed over the years for all ground staff. The poor guy in front of me, a big burly miner, has his knees up round his ears. It would be less claustrophobic for him underground where he works.

You know this thing flies by two mall propellers and nothing else. The lovely pilot just advised us we are well ahead of schedule – thank god! – cause of ‘a very lovely tail wind’. One mans tail wind is another mans death wish.

See how how short the wing is!

I’m off to Cobar to see my Bro, Sis-in-law and my beautiful nieces and nephew. It’s my nieces 1^st birthday and Uncle St. Murphy wants to shower her with some love. Been to Cobar many times in the last few years but have always driven – a bit like Priscilla Queen of the Desert. This trip is a quick weekender so time is money, money is time.

Instead of 8 hours in the car each way its only 90 mins in a very small plane. I question now, as I brace myself for what can only be a horrific landing, if I’ve made the right decision.

What I didn’t factor in was the cost of new undies and jeans after I shit myself from fear in the very small plane.

Thank god I have something to look forward to on landing!

Cobar airport, landed safely...

Enough with the Crazies! Time for the cool people.

God damn there have been a lot of crazy people around this week! I’m absolutely max’d out.

What about the American ‘academic’ at the anti-gay marriage rally in Canberra who said that “there is no greater evil” and likened gay marriage to paedophilia.

"It won't stop at homosexual marriage - look for polygamy and marriage between adults and children to be legalised. There is no greater dream for a paedophile than to be able to legally acclaim a child as his lover."

She’s so smart, I literally have no words to respond with.

Then there was Miranda Devine who seemed to blame the London riots on gay marriage and was banging on about straights being second-class citizens. Oh dear. Her retaliation to the outrage her original post caused was even more nonsensical.

Don’t even get me started on Bob Katter and Barnaby Joyce. They were elected by the people so they probably scare me the most.

But I’m real tired of people like these four hogging all of the media attention on the issue of gay marriage. They are not the ones we should be highlighting or drawing attention to.

There are some amazing, beautiful people out there who should be getting all of our attention. They are smart, logical, coherent. They are making their own protest in their own way within their own community. And as far as I’m concerned they are far more important and influential than any of the nutcases mentioned above.

And, most importantly, they come from many different walks of life, varied generations and of all sexualities. Let me introduce some of them to you…

The first is BigWordsBlog. This is a beautiful woman who took it upon herself earlier in the week to start a campaign around the I Love Equal Love button that she created. She encouraged all bloggers who support Equality to post the button on their page. See mine to the right (and above). How fucking brilliant is that! So simple, so smart, so profound. You will see this button everywhere now in the blogosphere. Mums like Bianca have a phenomenal impact on this debate.

Big Words: The Right For Equal Love

Next on my Hero list is Holly_Homemaker. Direct, succinct, her message is as clear as a bell. Miss Holly is another one of the amazing mummy-bloggers who uses her page to speak her mind and make an impact. You can see from this post she says and does whatever she thinks, and you gotta respect that. Here is her post on gay marriage.

Good Golly Miss Holly: Don't be a shit, let them commit! #EqualLove

So you are starting to see why it gives me the shits that the morons mentioned at the top get any media attention.

TwitchyCorner is a brilliant writer. She posted this week on Gay Marriage. My favourite line was on the seperation of church and state… “It’s just that I fail, and will always fail, to see how organised faith has any right to impinge upon the laws and freedoms of the wider, secular population.” You rock Twitchy, could not agree more. Here is her post…

Twitchy Corner: Still Not Enough Gay Lovin About

Faerinelda is a longtime Twitter buddy, and she’s all over this one like a rash. She’s a good woman! My favourite line is “Your religion may shout against it, your heart may not like it and your head might not understand it but just so you know, this is exactly how I feel about people who make pavlova with low fat cream! gasp.”

An Auntie ... Nothing More!: I love #equallove & I love #equallove Take Two

Macsnorky is very cool! So is her blog. She sings from the same hymn book as BigWordsBlog. I love these women!

Desktop and Dust Bunnies: I Love Equal Love

Before we head off to speak with some of my favourite gayers I want Mrs Woog to put her own special Woogsworld spin on this debate. Mrs Woog marched with us last Saturday. Her post that day was inspired!

Woogsworld: Fuck You!

See there are heroes everywhere in our communities who are trying to make a difference and rid of us inequality. I have so much respect for them, so much respect!

And now over to the gays, cause god knows I LOVE THE GAYS!! Arrjaydub is a friend of mine, and is much smarter than me and better with words. He has penned a truly brilliant piece in retaliation to Cruella Devine. His words need to be read by as many people as possible! For he is genius!

The Best Policy: Gay marriage is not a big deal.

“It was about getting together with a group of people with the same goal in mind, getting out on the streets and making sure people knew that you were there to support a cause. It was a protest, but it was also a celebration of who we are, and what we're after.” Very wise words from En_gy. And why I love him.

Bigger on the Inside: Equal love rally. I was there.

Also taking a very clever stab at Cruelle Devine is comedian, influencer and media guy TomCBallard. I love this. Love it A LOT!

Miranda Devine: What The F&*k Are You Talking About?

Final word must go to Dr Kerryn Phelps who has been campaigning for many years for the rights of homosexuals. Her measured, eloquent, and at times amusing response to Cruella was remarkable in its refrainment. I’d love for you to read her piece as a fitting end to this celebration of all those who are fighting the good fight. It is only a matter of time before gay marriage is legalised in Australia as we have so many smart, wonderful, compassionate people fighting for the cause.

The Hoopla: Miranda, A Wine With Your Whine?

So lets not be distracted by the freaks who hog the media spotlight. Lets all focus on the men and women who are making a difference in their own communities with their sensible and eloquent words. 

The post you have when you don't really post...

I feel dumb when I don't have anything to say. It's weird that I never shut up - at all - but it's a very different thing turning verbal diarrhea into anything that resembles a post. This is what I am learning about blogging.


So today I am protecting you from what would have only been a bad rehashing of some dumb, half-assed story and not really posting. Well, you certainly couldn't call this a post could you?


But I'm in full-blogging mode at the moment, really loving and enjoying it, so felt dumb that I wouldn't have anything here today. These words are too ease my own conscious, plain and simple.


So in the grand scheme of things please ignore today, but tomorrow I've got something I think is pretty darn cool. It's a post about diverting everyone's attention from the crazy people and introducing you to some very cool ones.


See you tomorrow, xoxoxo


St. Murphy

Do you think I should be dating?

Yesterday I was banging on about being a filthy pig. As a flippant comment I ended the post saying I think I needed a boyfriend/cleaner to sort out my hygiene issues.

But this got me thinking. My mind doesn’t work like a normal persons, rather it’s a scattered mess of crazy thoughts. It’s like a Rubik’s cube of zigzagging ideas and scatterbrain thoughts.

Hey, would dating again be such a bad thing? Is being alone all the time really what I want?

If this had crossed my mind in the last 6 months I’d shudder at the thought. I have been determinedly single. If I’ve ever met anyone I’ve been very clear that I will forget their name in 3 hours. One of the reasons for ‘the break-up’ is that I genuinely feel that I’d be happier living a life alone. I’m not good at sharing. Anything.

So what the hell were these thoughts? Dating? Surely not.

           

Once the seed had been planted my synapses started firing all over the place. First thought was ‘what the hell is dating now days anyway?’ and ‘do 39 year olds even date?’. I have absolutely no idea.

I’ve never been good at dating. In fact, I reckon you could count the number of dates I’ve been on in my adult life on one hand. My memory is bereft of good or bad dating experiences. My track record speaks for itself. Every boyfriend I’ve ever had – 2 serious, a couple other worthy mentions – I’ve met in bars or nightclubs under the influence of vodka. Each time I’ve gone straight from ‘Hi how are you?’ to head-over-heals in love. I’m very lesbian like that.

I met The Sculptor in a bar on a Friday night and on the Monday he quit his job in Melbourne to move to Sydney so we could be together. Aschappelle and I moved in together after 4 months and bought our first house after 9 months. Dating was not part of either of my two life-changing relationships. And in between relationships I’m usually too hell-bent on having fun to worry about dating. Maybe some slutting around nightclubs but that’s it.

I’m 99% sure I do not want a relationship so can I really trust myself to date without ending up back in one? Me thinks not. Not with my track record.

The other thing is that gay men have built this whole system of what can almost be considered ‘anti-dating’. We have all these tools in place where it is unbelievably easy to meet ‘like-minded’ (horny!) gay men. Online, iPhone apps, etc; our community may be fighting the good fight for Gay Marriage but there is also a recognition that there are advantages to single men loving other men. Grindr in particular has changed gay-dating forever!

But Grindr is a whole other post, and will come with a Parental Warning.

Which brings me back to ‘what the hell is dating in 2011’ and am I too old? So there is the cute boy at the fruit and veg store on Crown St, do we go for a gelato and call it a date? Or the hot boy at the gym who is most likely straight (gym attire tells you so much), if we shared a protein shake is that a quasi-straight-date? (yeh, I know you know I don’t know what a protein shake is) And what about those hot single boys on Twitter, if we met in person does that constitute a date? So goddamn confused!

And the age thing. 39. Even using the word ‘dating’ makes me uncomfortable. It seems a concept aimed at those much younger than I. Perhaps from your mid-30’s onwards we should start to call it something else? Like ‘judging’ or ‘interviewing’. Just an idea.

So after all these thoughts have been zig-zagging through my Rubik’s cube brain there is only one clear answer. NO, I should not be dating. The fact that it confused the hell out of me is a clear indication it is not for me. If I’m scared of it, don’t really know what it is or what I want from it then I really shouldn’t be doing it.

I’ll stick to nights on the couch with my Law And Order’s for a little bit longer.

Unless of course the guy at the fruit and veg shop asked me out. Then all bets are off.

Dirty Filthy Pig!

*** WARNING! This post may contain unhygienic material and coarse filthiness!

I disgust myself. I’ve started to wallow in my own filth at Man Pit.

Was driving home from Mrs Woog’s tonight (a lovely lamb shank with a Vodka Cruiser chaser!) thinking I’m going to do a post about the decline of my cleanliness standards. Since ‘the break-up’ and moving into Man Pit 5 months ago I’ve slowly regressed from extremely house proud to little-piggy-like behaviour.

So I walked in the door and the shit has hit the fan. My goddamn dogs had pulled the garbage bags (yes, plural) off the kitchen counter and spread dirty smelly rubbish throughout Man Pit.

I started screaming like a banshee!! Using the foulest language. My poor neighbours.

Absolutely vile. Dirty little fuckers.

Banished to the balcony with a swift kick up their doggy-asses.

Devo after just thinking about how lazy I’d become I’d come home to knee-deep filth. So upset. So smelly.

Dog food scraps, meat trays, cigerette butts, smashed Belvedere bottle – thank god it was empty or I’d be wearing a Cocker Spaniel coat to work tomorrow. Had to get down on my knees and scrap it all off the carpet.

One of the reasons Man Pit has been so dirty is that I am too lazy to buy new bags for my vacuum cleaner. In fact, I don’t have a clue where to buy them from. Had to make do, turned the chockers full vac on and it blew more dirt everywhere. Cried.

Pass me a knife and run me a warm bath, life should not be like this. I AM TOO GLAMOROUS TO HAVE TO CLEAN, SURELY!

This bachelor life certainly has its downsides. I don’t have a cleaner cause I’m trying to be mildly economical. Besides, Man Pit is a ½ bedroom sized apartment, surely I can take care of it myself. It is now apparent I can’t.

The other thing with living on your own is that you don’t have to impress anyone or keep anyone else happy. So for me its fine to use my hotplates as the garbage bag holder – they certainly aren’t used for anything else. I only get concerned about the inch thick dog hair on the floor when I know I’m having guests. Not sure what the colour of the bathroom sink is meant to be.

Holy hell, I am revolting.

Too make matters worse I have both sons staying with me at the moment and Jackson is a terror. It is he who would have pulled the rubbish down, just like it was him who tore my pantry apart a week ago. My little Sammy is too small to do both which is why he is the perfect Man Pit housemate. Hurry home Other Daddy so you can have Jackson back at your place. Jackson, I love you, but two dogs and one slovenly dog-owner is too much for Man Pit!

It’s tough being a single parent with two kids.

Sadly, I can't blame my car on the boys, that ones all me. Especially the McDonalds wrappers.

I think I need to start looking for a boyfriend/cleaner.

Tough love for a 17yo St. Murphy

Melbourne hottie Simieboy said to me ages ago that I should do a post as a letter to my 17 year old self. I thought it was a brilliant idea but it’s taken me some time to get to it. I’ve often thought it could be a lovely, inspiring, insightful piece of writing but now that I’ve actually come to tap away on the keyboard I’ve done a backflip.

I was a little self-centred bitch at 17. No way would I have listened to a thoughtful, meaningful letter from a dirty old man like me. What I needed at 17 was some tough love, a bit of a reality-slap across the face. So that’s what I’ve decided to go with instead…

Thats me on the left, at 17yo.

Dear 17yo St. Murphy,

Now listen here you little shit, chances are you will not listen to a word I say, but trust me that I know what is best for you! The past 22 years have taught me A LOT and if you listen to me now you can save yourself monumental grief down the track. Yes, yes I understand that at 17 some of these subjects will be disturbing and completely foreign but I really don’t care. This is stuff you need to know.

First off, and I think most importantly… YOU ARE GAY!!! That's why naked men keep popping into your mind. I know you don’t really know what gay is at the moment or what it means but save yourself 7 years of turmoil and COME OUT NOW!! The reality is that everyone already thinks that you are, you are as camp as Xmas for godsake, and no one will be surprised when you do eventually come out. I do not want you to have any regrets, if you came out now you could probably make a difference for others who come after you. You will be a very proud gay man, and a very very happy gay man. Embrace it now!

While you may have a 6-pack now with the lungs of a marathon runner DO NOT TAKE THESE FOR GRANTED. If you don’t keep working on them one day you’ll wake up in your mid-30’s with a gut and a smokers cough. Which reminds me, and this is critical, you should never ever put a cigerette in your mouth. You will soon find that you become addicted to anything and everything very quickly so lets nip that one in the bud now. You could have travelled the world twice by 40 on the money you waste on cigerettes.

Yes, you are gay!

Look around your classroom, your 3 best friends now will be friends for life. Go give Cass, Sonia and Alana a big hug and be nice to them every day. They will be with you for life. They will be the ones wiping the dribble from your mouth when you are in the old-mans home.

Already you have too much fun. Now this isn’t always a bad thing but one of the toughest lessons you can learn is that fun should not come at the cost of everything else in your life. Be particularly careful in your late-20's and early 30's, we call 2004 'the Dark Year' for a very good reason. Thank god you fall into a career that is fun otherwise I would have grave fears for you.  On that front, just forget right now that you are destined for a life in business or finance and start looking up courses in Communications. That’s where your skills are, and that’s a job that will get you out of bed each day and out of bars each night.

Ok, brace yourself 17yo St. Murphy, this is a tough one. You will lose your father far too young. Not what you want to hear I know. Sorry. But I think its really crucial that you know this as it will change how you behave in the lead-up. The loss is bad enough without also having regrets. You will go crazy for a while after, and that’s ok, its to be expected. Also, I beg of you, please recognize that you are not coping and give yourself time to heal. No one bounces back quickly from the loss of a parent! Thank god you have your mum with you for a very long time cause still at 40 you will be a complete and utter mummy’s boy.

On the upside… you do not die young! I know this is already something you are thinking and feeling, you weirdo. Get over it, put it to the back of your mind. And stop using it as an excuse to do whatever and whenever you want. Start planning for a long life and treat yourself better. That body is gonna have to last you a LONG time.

try and maintain those lungs love!

Stop being so superficial now! Cliched I know, but stop judging a book by its cover. This will shoot you in the foot over and over and means you miss out on a lot of good stuff and a lot of good people. Whenever you come across someone who is happy in themselves and treats others with respect just grab hold of them. They are the ones you need to keep. Not the pretty ones. Not the ones with the nice clothes or ‘cool’ friends. You eventually learn this but only after some frightful experiences, especially in Sydney.

Stay away from straight boys. Just be warned, thinking you are best friends with a straight guy means you have actually fallen in love with him and it will be torment and heartbreak for years. Stick with the gayers and all the fabulous women in your life as your closest friends. Much less risk of embarrassing yourself.

Just be nicer to people. I know you think your funny but you are actually cruel and offensive, especially when you are drunk. Nice people go further in life, and good things happen to nice people. So stop being a little bitch, you can be funny without having to make fun of others. There’s more than enough material in just making fun of yourself.

Finally, you are one lucky little fucker! You have many flaws and make so many mistakes its almost comedic but still you manage to have an incredibly lucky life. Do not ever take this for granted. Your friends, your partners, your workmates; all have incredible patience with you but you need to pay them back ten-fold with respect and appreciation. You will have some of the most phenomenal life-experiences that introduce you to people and places that will continually change your life and make you a better person. Always remember that is it the people around you who make your life so exciting and fulfilling. Nothing is more important than the people you share your life with.

Brace yourself 17yo St. Murphy, you are in for one helluva ride! Your life is going to be an incredibly exciting adventure of both great highs and a few lows. Enjoy every second as much as you can.

Lots of love, xoxoxo

39yo St. Murphy

At 39, very happy.

P.S: Now that I've started this I realise there is a shitload I still want to tell you young St. Murphy. Might have another letter coming your way again soon. x

I love that I have friends who give a shit!

Cause from what I can gather after yesterdays Gay Marriage Rally even most of the gay community doesn’t – or didn’t know it was on!

But I have friends that do. And that’s very, very important to me.

So I’m not going to tell the rather frustrating story of the Rally yesterday, rather I want to talk about my fab friends who I went to the Rally with. Fab and HOT! And very, very funny! Ridiculously smart too. So here are my fab, funny, hot, smart friends who give a shit about Gay Marriage.

Will kickstart with Mrs Woog, the worlds most famous mummy-blogger, and her beautiful son Jazz Hands. Jazz Hands wore a special tutu for the day and he was the delight of the rally. He also had the best seat in the house as he sat on our shoulders. Mrs Woog is my hero.

We had with us the Queen of the Gays, MsCharlotteD, who I am determined to have hosting the next Rally. She is iconic amongst my folk and her dedication to the cause exemplary. Dare I call it her ‘entourage’, MsD was marching alongside committed gayers Arrjaydub, Uueaver and Muzthekid. (and if you haven’t read it already than you must now, Arrjaydub’s guest post!)

My boys. ShaunHeron is an activist from way back and one funny bitch. I’m still not sure En_gy completely agrees with what we were marching for but he was showing support nonetheless god love him! TheFlack and Dazzle will be the first to marry when finally we have choice (well that’s what I think, cause I wanna be a bridesmaid) and two more lovely men you could not meet.

MichelleLLeslie and AdamZammit impress the hell out of me. Only late this week I told them the Rally was on, so what do they do, they come. I know that sounds so simple but a hetero couple jumping at being a part of it says so much about them. New BFF’s, absolutely!

In my humble opinion it’s people like Mrs Woog, MsCharlotteD, Michelle and Adam who actually make the most difference. The legalization of gay marriage really will not effect them in any way (other than having to go to many more weddings) but equality is important enough to them to take part in events like this. We need more like them. I have the most unbelievable respect for that.

The best thing to come out of the day is the realisation that we can do much more. Arrjaydub, TheFlack, ShaunHeron and I have skills that could really benefit the next event. And instead of being bystanders we’re determined to get involved. Between us we have the most phenomenal PR/Publicity/Corp Comms/Marketing resume so lets put it to use. But more about that another time…

As TheFlack just texted me… “Events like today really make a difference but there’s SO much more that can be done”.

And we’re gonna do it!

 *** Just to clarify my opening line, I don't really believe most gays don't care. What I do think is that not many people knew about the Rally. Subsequently us boys are gonna offer up our skills-set for the next one. We could get a crowd at a colonoscopy if we wanted to.