Dirty Filthy Pig!

*** WARNING! This post may contain unhygienic material and coarse filthiness!

I disgust myself. I’ve started to wallow in my own filth at Man Pit.

Was driving home from Mrs Woog’s tonight (a lovely lamb shank with a Vodka Cruiser chaser!) thinking I’m going to do a post about the decline of my cleanliness standards. Since ‘the break-up’ and moving into Man Pit 5 months ago I’ve slowly regressed from extremely house proud to little-piggy-like behaviour.

So I walked in the door and the shit has hit the fan. My goddamn dogs had pulled the garbage bags (yes, plural) off the kitchen counter and spread dirty smelly rubbish throughout Man Pit.

I started screaming like a banshee!! Using the foulest language. My poor neighbours.

Absolutely vile. Dirty little fuckers.

Banished to the balcony with a swift kick up their doggy-asses.

Devo after just thinking about how lazy I’d become I’d come home to knee-deep filth. So upset. So smelly.

Dog food scraps, meat trays, cigerette butts, smashed Belvedere bottle – thank god it was empty or I’d be wearing a Cocker Spaniel coat to work tomorrow. Had to get down on my knees and scrap it all off the carpet.

One of the reasons Man Pit has been so dirty is that I am too lazy to buy new bags for my vacuum cleaner. In fact, I don’t have a clue where to buy them from. Had to make do, turned the chockers full vac on and it blew more dirt everywhere. Cried.

Pass me a knife and run me a warm bath, life should not be like this. I AM TOO GLAMOROUS TO HAVE TO CLEAN, SURELY!

This bachelor life certainly has its downsides. I don’t have a cleaner cause I’m trying to be mildly economical. Besides, Man Pit is a ½ bedroom sized apartment, surely I can take care of it myself. It is now apparent I can’t.

The other thing with living on your own is that you don’t have to impress anyone or keep anyone else happy. So for me its fine to use my hotplates as the garbage bag holder – they certainly aren’t used for anything else. I only get concerned about the inch thick dog hair on the floor when I know I’m having guests. Not sure what the colour of the bathroom sink is meant to be.

Holy hell, I am revolting.

Too make matters worse I have both sons staying with me at the moment and Jackson is a terror. It is he who would have pulled the rubbish down, just like it was him who tore my pantry apart a week ago. My little Sammy is too small to do both which is why he is the perfect Man Pit housemate. Hurry home Other Daddy so you can have Jackson back at your place. Jackson, I love you, but two dogs and one slovenly dog-owner is too much for Man Pit!

It’s tough being a single parent with two kids.

Sadly, I can't blame my car on the boys, that ones all me. Especially the McDonalds wrappers.

I think I need to start looking for a boyfriend/cleaner.

Why dogs are better than boyfriends.

I’m a dog man! I have one, Little Sammy, and am step-father to another, Jackson. Yes, we are bad parents and we separated the children during the divorce.

I got the more delicate, lazy, sloth-like one and Aschapelle got the more active, bubbly, athletic one – so indicative of our personalities!

Little Sammy and Jackson

Anyways, the reason I am thinking about my boys today is that Aschapelle has fled the country for busy, important work in far-off lands so Jackson has come to stay with Little Sammy and I for the next few weeks. And no, I have not got a bigger apartment, Man Pit is still only a half-bedroom in size. It’s very crowded with the three of us let me assure you.

But I love it and wouldn’t have it any other way. When you are single everyone always asks you are you looking love or is there anyone special. Yes there is, two in fact, and they are a King Charles Cavalier and a Cocker Spaniel. I am not looking for a boyrfriend, I don't think I need a boyfriend, and certainly not while I have my boys. They are the best, most loyal company in the world. They adore me and I do so very little to deserve this adoration. And they distract me endlessly.

Little Sammy sleeping on our lounge

On top of that, and in the most practical of terms, I have a whole list of reasons why dogs are better than finding a new boyfriend...

- When you drop food on the floor they rush to clean it up for you.

- They spoon with you anytime you like.

- If you want to distract them you just throw them a snack.

- Their bad breathe is kinda endearing rather than revolting.

Jackson loves Macca's just like his Daddy

- You can kick them out of bed anytime you like.

- Obviously, there is no back-chat and I always get the final say.

- I can have other men over and they don’t get jealous or mind being locked out on the balcony.

- Their dinner costs only $2.50.

- They don’t use up any space in the wardrobe or the bathroom cabinet.

So fucking adorable!

- They can’t use the remote.

- They fart less.           

- I never catch them wearing my clothes.

- When I get home from work I don’t have to hear about their day.

Just some sun-baking at Man Pit

- They can't see what I'm up to on Twitter or Facebook.

- We’re never ever gonna have an embarrassing moment when we run into each other on Grindr. Grindr doesn’t allow dogs.

- I only have to make sure they’ve showered every month or so.

He can sniff out anything...

To be fair, there are some things that boyfriends are better at, but only 3 things…

1. I’ve never had to pick up a boyfriends poo in the park.

2. I’ve never had a boyfriend piss on my carpet.

3. Despite what some NRL players think, boyfriends are always better to get nudie-rudie with.

Blonde bombshell!

Blonde Bombshell Has Sleep-Over At Man Pit!

So I’ve been at Man Pit just over a month now – loving it! The best news was about two weeks ago when I finally got permission for my oldest (but smallest) son, Sam, to come live with me. He has taken to Man Pit like a lifeguard to Speedo's. The two of us are very happy.

As exciting as it is to have one of my sons come and live with me, my other son, the blonde bombshell Jackson, stayed with his biological Daddy in the far south suburbs. We don’t get to see him very often, he’s got his paws full keeping Aschapelle (artist formerly know as exBoyfriend) on the straight and narrow.

But last night we had a house-guest! Sammy and I were so excited, well, me a lot more so than Sam. Jackson was coming to the inner-city for a sleep-over and it was Jackson’s first visit to Man Pit.

After doing a frantic lap of the carpark I finally coaxed him into the elevator. He then went nuts in the corridor and did a quick reverse-catwalk up to Man Pit. Upon entry it was like he was on some bad speed at a rave. CRAZY!!! Sniffing everything, manicly running from one corner to another, getting the lay of the land. All the time with Little Sammy chasing him just a few steps behind (Sam has always had trouble keeping up, he’s got short legs just like Daddy-St.Murphy).

Jackson quickly found his old favourite spot - my bed! I’m sure that’s because he could smell me there, well so my maternal instinct tells me.

So eventually to calm them both down I whipped out some My Dog. Both sons are dirty pigs when it comes to their food – no chance either of them will ever have an eating disorder – just like their dads! How cute are they munching down together at Man Pit.

Then it came to lounge time. Now Jackson is incredibly territorial and has always growled if Sam has been presumptuous enough to try for some love from Daddy-St.Murphy. Nothing has changed since we’d all last been together, even though this is Sammy’s home. Jackson got the lounge and Sammy got the floor.

Took some convincing but finally got them both up on the lounge so that we could all be contented together – Sam and Jackson watching some Law & Order SVU’s while I tapped-tapped-tapped away on this ol’ blog.

I love Man Pit but jeez I don’t know if its gonna be big enough for the three of us! Especially when Jackson dribbles on my new cushions like this...

Very, very happy my little family is back together, very happy indeed!

Introducing my children Jackson and Sam

I have two children and I thought it was about time they were formally introduced. They are the most beautiful, adorable children in the world and you are going to be so jealous of how handsome my offspring are!!!

Jackson and Sam

Very proud to introduce Jackson and Sam! Its so true that dogs are the gay children. These two are proof of that. They have pride of place in our lives and are showered with so much love and attention it is sickening to others. They sleep in bed with their Daddies, we spend more on their haircuts than we do our own. They have their own Nanny who writes us report cards on them every time they stay. They wear matching pink collars because they are homosexual dogs.

We even bought them a house so that they had a backyard. Bad news for us is they never use it cause they just sit at the front window all day waiting for someone to come home. They do not play well with other dogs, couldn’t care for them less. We think this is because they believe they are human. They both crave and demand so much attention. They are walked at east twice a day and eat anything they can get their little paws on. They are the most beautiful sons a man could have.

Where they sit all day waiting for someone to come home.

Now exBoyfriend has had Jackson since he was a pup and I’ve been step-dad for the last 6 years. He is a 7+yo Cocker-Spaniel. If Jackson was human he’d be a cute, fun lifeguard at Boy Charlton Pool. He has got so much personality and character. He literally follows me every step I walk around the house. He LOVES watching Law & Order with me. He sleeps above my head in bed. Yes, we share the same pillow. Before I met Jackson I hated pets, and the thought of having a dog in your bed was repulsive. Now I miss him terribly if he’s not there. Only once has he got angry, and that was at my North Shore Princess. She flashed her boobs and Jackson got scared and bit her face. Told you he was gay.

Jackson needed a make-over before this photoshoot

We’ve only had Sam for two years and he is an 8+yo King Charles Cavalier. We ‘rescued’ him from our beloved Turner/Hollands who didn’t even allow him inside let alone in their beds. People from the country are weird like that. Sam is the ultimate lapdog. He is also possibly the laziest dog you’ve ever met. He snores like a chainsaw, on bad nights he’s banished to downstairs. He’s also a bit of a tart. He will go to anyone who shows him affection. ANYONE! If he were human we think he would be a distinguished food critic for the SMH cause all he is interested in is eating. And he farts a lot. He’s an old soul Sam, as cute as hell and can melt you with those eyes.

Adorable!

Jackson and Sam have been brothers for two years and still you could hardly call them friends. They still compete for their Daddy’s attention all the time. If one is being patted then the other one jumps in. Sam does follow Jackson a little bit but I think that’s just because he’s too lazy to lead. Neither of them are particularly intelligent, they cruise through life trading on their looks rather than their brains. They are Supermodels in that respect.

They fight for your scratches.

For someone who hated dogs I’ve done a complete backflip over these boys. Couldn’t live without them. Regular readers will be wondering what will happen with them now? Well exBoyrfriend and I will be timesharing them depending on our diaries, with Sam predominantly with me and Jackson with exBoyfriend. We know for sure that they won’t care that they are apart but it’s crucial to both Daddies that we still have each boy in our life. Just as you would expect with children.

Both of them under the table at my feet while I write this about them. Melting...