Dirty Filthy Pig!

*** WARNING! This post may contain unhygienic material and coarse filthiness!

I disgust myself. I’ve started to wallow in my own filth at Man Pit.

Was driving home from Mrs Woog’s tonight (a lovely lamb shank with a Vodka Cruiser chaser!) thinking I’m going to do a post about the decline of my cleanliness standards. Since ‘the break-up’ and moving into Man Pit 5 months ago I’ve slowly regressed from extremely house proud to little-piggy-like behaviour.

So I walked in the door and the shit has hit the fan. My goddamn dogs had pulled the garbage bags (yes, plural) off the kitchen counter and spread dirty smelly rubbish throughout Man Pit.

I started screaming like a banshee!! Using the foulest language. My poor neighbours.

Absolutely vile. Dirty little fuckers.

Banished to the balcony with a swift kick up their doggy-asses.

Devo after just thinking about how lazy I’d become I’d come home to knee-deep filth. So upset. So smelly.

Dog food scraps, meat trays, cigerette butts, smashed Belvedere bottle – thank god it was empty or I’d be wearing a Cocker Spaniel coat to work tomorrow. Had to get down on my knees and scrap it all off the carpet.

One of the reasons Man Pit has been so dirty is that I am too lazy to buy new bags for my vacuum cleaner. In fact, I don’t have a clue where to buy them from. Had to make do, turned the chockers full vac on and it blew more dirt everywhere. Cried.

Pass me a knife and run me a warm bath, life should not be like this. I AM TOO GLAMOROUS TO HAVE TO CLEAN, SURELY!

This bachelor life certainly has its downsides. I don’t have a cleaner cause I’m trying to be mildly economical. Besides, Man Pit is a ½ bedroom sized apartment, surely I can take care of it myself. It is now apparent I can’t.

The other thing with living on your own is that you don’t have to impress anyone or keep anyone else happy. So for me its fine to use my hotplates as the garbage bag holder – they certainly aren’t used for anything else. I only get concerned about the inch thick dog hair on the floor when I know I’m having guests. Not sure what the colour of the bathroom sink is meant to be.

Holy hell, I am revolting.

Too make matters worse I have both sons staying with me at the moment and Jackson is a terror. It is he who would have pulled the rubbish down, just like it was him who tore my pantry apart a week ago. My little Sammy is too small to do both which is why he is the perfect Man Pit housemate. Hurry home Other Daddy so you can have Jackson back at your place. Jackson, I love you, but two dogs and one slovenly dog-owner is too much for Man Pit!

It’s tough being a single parent with two kids.

Sadly, I can't blame my car on the boys, that ones all me. Especially the McDonalds wrappers.

I think I need to start looking for a boyfriend/cleaner.

Slap! Reality Check.

Firstly, who said Australia was homophobic? Gays may not be able to marry but there’s a long weekend to celebrate the Queens. I love Kate and Will as much as anyone but I’m a Republican at heart so I’m ignoring any Queen other than my people. Thanks for the long weekend to celebrate us!

It may seem like three random stories today but I promise it will all make sense in the end. Stick with me, have faith...

Couch.

I sat down on my beloved couch at approx 9pm on Friday night and got off again at approx 12noon on Sunday. Yes, I rolled myself into bed both nights but that was at the very last moment before my eyes shut only to quickly return upon waking. Had a fridge full of gourmet snacks, Belvedere vodka and some B&H on the outdoor table. There is nothing either Little Sammy or I could want for. Had both heaters going all weekend creating a very cozy Man Pit. Jeez I watched some brilliant television and ate myself up two sizes.

First night/day/night was all Law & Order, no shock there. Then the absolute highlight! My new friend Arrjaydub brought over the entire first series of Downton Abbey. Heaven, so brilliant, this is one of the best TV series ever made. I can not recommend enough. Shame my allegedly gourmet quiche and pork pies were shit otherwise it was a perfect sensory experience. Then I introduced Arrjaydub to another of the all-time greats - West Wing! So much television, so much food. Completely self-indulgent, lazy, luxurious few days.

Third all-time greatest television series.

Potts Point.

I am so confused by Potts Point! I like neat little descriptions for things so that I can easily sort in my head. Potts Point confuses the hell out of me. It is such a weird mix of just about everything. Gorgeous gourmet deli’s next door to a shop where you can buy a 12 inch dildo. Beautiful homewares stores half a block down from a sordid strip bar. And the people on the streets reflect this. Mostly it’s your standard Eastern Suburbs glamour-set with their fur collars, designer denim and giant sunglasses. But then around the corner you have the complete contrast of anorexic strippers and giant scary bouncers. I also smell the whiff of a methadone clinic. So confused.

Mark David Jones took me exploring yesterday, and of course we were exploring for food and drinks – it’s what we do best. Mr MDJ took me for my first experience of Fratelli Paradiso. I whinged my way through a 15minute wait for a table before we had a gorgeous, generous lunch of calamari, pasta and steak. The food was divine, so were our vodka’s and wine. We didn’t bat an eyelid at our Monday lunch bill before heading to Green Park Hotel for a quiet afternoon drink. Just a lovely, lovely afternoon. Thanks Mr MDJ.

Fratelli Paradiso

Monday Night.

Reality check. Some nights when Little Sammy and I go for our evening walk we pass the line-up of disadvantaged men and women who are waiting for the kind and compassionate people who deliver their evening meal. This is embarrassing to admit but I always have a brief moment where I check where my phone and wallet are. Normally there are about 30+ people lining up. Last night there were about 60-70, possibly more. We can walk around with blinkers on sometimes, claim ignorance and pretend not to see what un-nerves us; last night was different. It was a sobering wake-up call. At the risk of sounding patronising, it really broke my heart.

It has been so cold and so wet all weekend. Where have these guys been, how have they stayed warm? You can imagine after a weekend like that they would be aching for a hot meal. No wonder numbers were so high last night. No wonder there were so many men and women politely lined up with their possessions - first in, first served – for the chance at some comfort. I was feeling like a fat, lazy pig after a weekend of pure indulgence, excess and comfort. All while there were at least 70 men and women in my neighbourhood who were struggling to find any sort of comfort. Slap, huge reality check.

For all my whinging and moaning here at St. Murphy I am one of the incredibly lucky and fortunate ones who really has not a care in the world.

Signing up for volunteer work with Father Chris Riley's first thing today.

Father Chris Riley's Youth Off The Streets food van (Google Image pic)

I love you purple nail polish! I love you Belvedere!

This story begins and ends with Belvedere Vodka. Why, because it’s the best. Fact!

I don’t know if I’ve shared this before but I love getting my nails done. It’s a real treat. It’s a special occasion thing that I like to do and always with a splash of colour. For events such as birthdays, Xmas parties, etc, I always have a manicure and theme the colour with my outfit. Is that the gayest thing you’ve ever heard? I hope so.

I have the divine Miss Melbourne staying at Man Pit this weekend and whenever she’s in town we pop ourselves off for mani/pedi’s cause that’s how the glamour-set role. We normally go to Lily’s but again today they couldn’t fit us in – and to think we made that place! – so instead we hit Deluxe Nails on Crown. Their chairs aren’t as comfy but they do have a quality OPI selection. And they do a decent nail.

This time I’ve decided on a vibrant purple as it’s my current ‘it’ colour. And I’d already planned my Saturday night wardrobe around it. Miss M has taught me that we only do OPI polish, it’s the best, and my shade of purple is called Can You Dig It?.  Oh yes I can, its heaven.

I did feel sorry for the poor woman when she whipped out the scraper-thing that cleans under your nails. Had a brief moment when I was shit scared what she’d find or what smell she’d trigger but no need for concern, my hygiene appears to be better than I’d suspected. The best part about a manicure is the hand massage. At Lily’s they go right up your arm but today I only got a token finger pull. Lucky I didn’t fart.

Now this is a very polished polish application! You can see my eagerness from fingertip to wrist. Purple is a truly brilliant colour and I swear it brings out the chocolate brown of my eyes. I’m practically a supermodel in purple nail polish. Such a shame it’s not more socially and professionally accepted for men to wear nail polish, such a shame. If it was I’d have a different colour every week. Instead I’ll be off to Coles for some nail polish remover later today so that I am back to my corporatish yuppie-wannabe self by Monday 9am to re-enter the work environment.

Miss Melbourne is very happy with her shellacking. And no it’s not the shellacking your dirty mind is thinking. It’s a new polish technique that lasts longer. Miss M has gone with a dramatic dark deep greyish colour. I’m calling it Midnight On A Winters Eclipse for the sake of this blog. Now I don’t want to alarm you but my purple obsession is getting a little ridiculous. Not long ago I found myself on a plane with purple shoes, purple watch and purple T’shirt. Look at my combination yesterday after Deluxe had worked there magic…

To celebrate our new nail colour we bought some of our favourite vodka, Belvedere, to toast our glamorousness! We are quite the vodka connoisseurs Miss M and I and there is no question that Belvedere is our best friend. Yes it may coast a little extra but the smoothness is so worth it. To say nothing of the fact it DOES NOT GIVE YOU A HANGOVER! That’s how smooth my dear Belvedere is. Worth every cent! Plus, we we're having people over last night and I wanted them to think I'm posh.

Nothing makes me happier than sipping Belvedere on the balcony of Man pit with its gorgeous city views and admiring my beautiful purple nail polish with Miss Melbourne beside me. Gay much?

I love you purple nail polish!

I love you Belvedere!