You may recall that I've bucked ‘the break-up’ trend and stacked on the weight rather than shed it after becoming a single man. No one likes a fat homo, especially other homo’s, so I’ve joined my new local gym. I heard that they have equipment that if you stand on them you lose weight. And this place seems so much friendlier than my old gym that I donated too, which was the gayest gym in the world. I felt like I needed to do my hair before, during and immediately after a workout. My new gym is a little more, shall I politely say, down-to-earth.
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| Life Lessons from St. Murphy |
I went for the first time yesterday and it was an all-round horrifying experience. First off it was very early morning so the synapses were hardly firing. Had trouble in the changerooms working out the locker situation, had to go and ask the lovely/cute receptionist the protocol. It seems I need to bring my own lock. So I finally get to the X-trainer and I 100% guarantee you it’s the biggest machine I’ve ever seen. I’d been on them before but not this big. Twice I dropped my iPod, keys and stuff while trying to mount that sucker. So embarrassing. I could feel eyes all on me thinking ‘how unco’.
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| Its quite lovely in photos |
Keeping in mind I’m 38 not 105, I thought I’d be able to bash out a 30min workout. At the 7 min mark I knew I was in trouble, by 12 mins I was gasping for my last breathe and the controls – dragged that down to 20mins. By the time I’d finished I was a mess – mentally and physically. What has happened to me? When did I become an old man??? Somewhere between Absolut, Benson &Hedges and Pizza Hut Delivery I’d lost my fitness.
So ashamed that’s all I could do I thought 15mins on the treadmill would redeem me somewhat. What the hell was I thinking? At 3mins I reduced that to 10mins but by the 8 min mark I realized my health was in danger and I desperately, achingly need to be seated on a toilet STAT!. I pushed through to the end and than ran. The grief and mortification I felt when I realized that the toilet, with gaps above and below the door, was right on the edge of the changeroom was overwhelming. Lets just say I ain’t making any new friends at the gym anytime soon.
It was such a horrific experience that I know, without a doubt, that I need to go everyday! Otherwise I will be dead or a Sumo within 2 years.
Life Lesson No. 1 – Gyms are embarrassing and horrific places, but sadly if you don’t go you become a fat homo.
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| Me in 2 years unless I go to Gym! |
Life Lesson No. 2
I’ve never been very good in the kitchen; I have no interest, no skill, no flair for the culinary. Had been very lucky that last few years to have someone who enjoyed cooking and prepared most of my evening meals. Now at Man Pit I am my own Shopper/Chef so I thought I’d give a simple steak and steamed veg a crack - I mean really, how hard can it be.
First obstacle, the George Foreman steamer that was a Xmas gift has no life left in it. Foreman himself went 16 rounds, not this steamer unfortunately. So within 2 mins I was down to just the steak (don’t even own a saucepan or microwave which says a lot about how I cook). I whip out my brand spanking new Jamie Oliver Tefal frypan, so shiney and pretty, and off I go. In hindsight, I think my mistake was not turning on the exaust fan cause within 2 mins the fire alarm was BLARING through my shoebox apartment. I’m waving tea towels, I’m unscrewing the fire alarm, I am depseratley trying to find a switch on a wall somewhere. Nothing would shut that thing down.
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| Little bastard! |
Than to my horror my neighbour’s started buzzing through the intercom – THE ALARM GOES THROUGH THE WHOLE BUILDING!!! Holy hell, I hadn’t even met them yet! I scrambled downstairs in my comfy pants and headband where my new favourite neighbour and the owner of the business downstairs are franticly trying to disarm the alarm before the fire brigade get there. MORTIFIED!!! You need a science degree to do this, and only with their help and guidance, the alarm was turned off. I ate the steak half raw rather than try to cook that cow anymore.
Life Lesson No. 2 – Never, ever cook for yourself. Always order take-away or eat out. Do not endanger the lives of others by turning on a hotplate.
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| And you just know that the firemen saving me from my steak would NOT have looked like this! |
